Archive for sunflower seeds

Benny Hinn, Eat Your Heart Out

Miracle Man

Episode summary
Mulder and Scully investigate possible faith-healing-related murder, discover faith-healer isn’t a murderer, discover faith-healed faith-healer assistant is a murderer, faith-healer gets murdered by sheriff, sheriff’s wife doesn’t get faith-healed, murdering faith-healed faith-healer assistant murders self. Also Fox thinks he sees his sister Samantha like four times and Scully briefly reminds us that she’s Catholic.

1983

Some kid named Samuel lays hands on the crispy corpse of a guy who burnt to death in a fire. The corpse promptly hold the kid’s hand!

When I-I-I / Say to you-ou-ou
Ahhhhh, zombies!
No, no, the power of Christ compels him.

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (5)

E.B.E.

E.B.E.

Episode Summary
Mulder and Scully go chasing after a downed UFO that maybe doesn’t exist except for maybe it does. Or does it? Yes! Possibly. Scully meets the Lone Gunmen, Deepthroat and Mulder have some man time, some hippies throw a party for aliens, and Mulder sneaks into a secret military facility and discovers that OMG THERE REALLY ARE ALIENS, PROBABLY. And we all pretend that calling aliens “Extra-terrestrial Biological Entities” is totally a thing and not pretty silly.

The skies over Iraq

[EDITOR'S NOTE: FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE FOLLOWING JOKE, PLEASE PRETEND THAT IT IS STILL THE BEGINNING OF MAY 2010, WHICH IS WHEN WE FIRST STARTED WRITING THIS EPISODE. THANK YOU.]

You know what it almost is?
What?
Cinco de Mayo.
And that–
THE MEX FILES.

Ha ha guys okay but we have to do an episode now so let’s just–

You know, that reminds me of Mexicorn.
That is not a thing.
Any other day of the year, you’d have a magical horse with a horny protuberance on its forehead.
Holy shit, it actually is a thing, I thought you were–
But on Cinco de Mayo: MEXICORN.

Guys, alright, but the blog–

This is a thing that exists.
They should do an X-Files episode about the Jolly Green Giant.
And Little Sprout.

GUYS! CHRIST!

So. Anyway, there’s a foreign guy in a jet in Iraq who totally sees a UFO. And he flips out and shoots the dang thing down. And then some American soldier dudes check out the crash site, but they’re interrupted by THE TITLE SEQUENCE OMG

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (10)

Eve’n Clonegirls Get The Blues

1×10 Eve

Episode summary:
Mulder and Scully investigate a pair of identical murders involving identical but apparently unrelated young girls. They uncover a eugenics plot and manage not to be killed by diet soda. Also, Deepthroat stops by to chat in the middle of the night because he has no life whatsoever.

Greenwich, CT!

It’s like a sandwich, but greener!

A matchy-matchy jogging couple sees a little girl standing in her driveway holding a stuffed bunny. Where is her dad, you may ask? Sitting on a swing in the backyard. DEAD.

With two holes in his neck!
Chupacabra!!!!!!11!
What?
Nothing.

Ayup, Joel’s neck done been bit.

Commence with the screaming little girl.

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (29)

Ground Control to Major Fox

1×08 Space

Episode summary:
A NASA staffer contacts Mulder and Scully with concerns about sabotage on a current shuttle mission. They look into it, with Mulder taking plenty of time on the side to regress to being a twelve-year-old astronautics nerd. In the end, the shuttle is safe, but the troubled Colonel Marc Belt dies in what might be an act of extra-terrestrial foul play — or courageous sacrifice. Either way, he jumps out a window and Mulder loses some innocence.

Space, back in the day

WXDL News 11 is on the scene where all the hip kids are– at the NASA Jet Propulsion Lab in 1977! They’ve got photos of Mars! Proof of water! Martian face! Film at 11!

I think you’ve got a little bit of Mars on your face there

And then the implausibly named Lt. Col. Marcus Aurelius Belt has a bad dream (or memory?) about being in space. And he wakes up and stares up at the ceiling and suddenly he gets bumrushed by THAT MARS FACE!

CEILING MARS FACE IS WATCHING YOU SOMETHING SOMETHING
This is basically like that email where it’s all “watch this video, something creepy happens” and then a zombie jumps out at you and he’s all like “AAAAAUUGHHH!” and you’re all like “AAAAAUUUUGHHH!” and that’s just like this.
It’s like, thanks for the neat email, MOM.

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (18)

Bile Always Love You (season one, episode two)

“Squeeze” – 1×02

Episode summary:
Agent Tom Colton, an old friend of Scully’s, asks her and Mulder for help on a serial murder case where the victims have had their livers removed, manually. Mulder’s reputation, and his theories, fuel a clash with Colton’s team, including a disagreement over the culpability of suspect Eugene Tooms, a 100-year-old mutant capable of squeezing into small places.

Opening scene

There’s a man with a suitcase!

Hold on, it’s a man with a suitcase!
And then a shot of a gutter!
Man with suitcase!
Gutter!
Eyes in the gutter!

A man with a suitcase, near a gutter.
This guy with the suitcase looks full of bile. You can tell by his tie.
I think you’re overanalyzing this.
He’s an alien under those clothes.

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (24)

Mulder’s Big Adventure (season one, pilot episode)

“Pilot” – 1×73

Episode summary:
A girl dies in the woods in Oregon. FBI Agent Dana Scully is assigned to the X-Files — whether as a balancing scientific force or as a spy is less than clear. Her partner, Agent Fox Mulder, lays out the case of the dead girl, whose corpse bore a strange pair of dots on the lower back consistent with previous casefiles. The two travel to Oregon, where they investigate several members (living and dead) of the local high school class of 1989. After another mysterious death, they eventually encounter one of these kids, the erstwhile comatose Billy Miles, in the woods amidst a mysterious bright light. They return to the FBI with scant substantiating evidence of what they’ve seen.

The following picture is inspired by actual text…

Facebook accounts, specifically.

We see a girl running, panicked, through the woods, tumbling and scraping herself on vegetation as she flees from whatever the heck she’s fleeing from.

This girl isn’t very good at running through the woods.

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (20)