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i made you a gender but i bended it

Gender Bender

Episode summary:
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Scully investigate a suspicious death, leading them into rural Massachusetts and a pre-technology collective that calls itself The Kindred and is totally not the Amish, we swear. Sex-change, resurrection, and hot sexy pheremonal hijinks ensue, and Mulder gets kicked in the face.

Out Clubbin’

We see an eyeball!

And then a disco ball!

And then an eyeball! Again! It’s madness!

And then a whole bunch of party people!

Brought to you by Axe Body Spray
Is it bad to make Buffy references?
Oh, because this is–
–completely The Bronze.

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In which Mulder is shirtless briefly

1×11 Fire

Episode Summary:
A pyromaniac named either Bob or Cecil tries to burn some old rich dude to death, as is apparently his wont. Mulder and Scully try to stop him, while Mulder’s old Oxford flame Phoebe reminds us just how nice it is that Phoebe is never in any other episodes besides this one.

Ye Olde England

An old rich dude! An Irish gardener guy named Cecil!

Cecil: bad and saucy.

Oh no! Richie McRicherson is on fire!

No one is trying very hard to help him.

Wish You Were Here cover art, rough draft

And Cecil just sits there, grinning Irishly.

He just sits because he has completed his motile larval stage.

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Eve’n Clonegirls Get The Blues

1×10 Eve

Episode summary:
Mulder and Scully investigate a pair of identical murders involving identical but apparently unrelated young girls. They uncover a eugenics plot and manage not to be killed by diet soda. Also, Deepthroat stops by to chat in the middle of the night because he has no life whatsoever.

Greenwich, CT!

It’s like a sandwich, but greener!

A matchy-matchy jogging couple sees a little girl standing in her driveway holding a stuffed bunny. Where is her dad, you may ask? Sitting on a swing in the backyard. DEAD.

With two holes in his neck!

Ayup, Joel’s neck done been bit.

Commence with the screaming little girl.

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Leave My Sister Out of This

“Conduit” – 1×03

Episode summary:
A girl disappears in the woods in Iowa. Scully and Mulder’s investigation generates friction with local law enforcement, as well as with the NSA after the girl’s younger brother mysteriously transcribes satellite transmissions. After chasing some dead ends, meeting a biker bartender, and turning up an incidental murder, they find the girl in the woods under mysterious circumstances.

Opening up

The woods! A campfire. Kids sleeping. A camper trailer thing. A cup of coffee. Idyllic.

So, everyone’s asleep and there’s a full cup of coffee? Did the cup of coffee regrow? Was it planted there by aliens?

Wait, the coffee is shaking!

It’s pulling a Jurassic Park!

The whole RV is going crazy, and there’s a bright light! And then a little boy named Kevin tells him mom that “Ruby’s gone!” Mom starts yelling her name — AT THE SKY!

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Mulder’s Big Adventure (season one, pilot episode)

“Pilot” – 1×73

Episode summary:
A girl dies in the woods in Oregon. FBI Agent Dana Scully is assigned to the X-Files — whether as a balancing scientific force or as a spy is less than clear. Her partner, Agent Fox Mulder, lays out the case of the dead girl, whose corpse bore a strange pair of dots on the lower back consistent with previous casefiles. The two travel to Oregon, where they investigate several members (living and dead) of the local high school class of 1989. After another mysterious death, they eventually encounter one of these kids, the erstwhile comatose Billy Miles, in the woods amidst a mysterious bright light. They return to the FBI with scant substantiating evidence of what they’ve seen.

The following picture is inspired by actual text…

Facebook accounts, specifically.

We see a girl running, panicked, through the woods, tumbling and scraping herself on vegetation as she flees from whatever the heck she’s fleeing from.

This girl isn’t very good at running through the woods.

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