Archive for injured agent

Salamander Hand over Fist

Young at Heart!

Episode Summary
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Barnett is back, even though he’s dead, and it’s because of some kind of fountain-of-youth type regeneration shit that happened because of a mad scientist and so now Barnett has a salamander hand! And Mulder kills him at the end in an ironic reversal of the by-the-book stuff. ALSO! Scully gets shot by Barnett except she was wearing a vest so she’s okay. SPOILER ALERT!

Tashmoo Federal Correctional Facility

The year is 1989. The state: Pennsylvania.

That’s the year that Washington State had it’s centennial.
That’s the year that I had my Decennial.
That’s the year your FACE was HITLER.

A man in a wheelchair and a prison jumpsuit hears screaming and wheels his way toward it!

Dude rolls into a surgical lab and asks a doctor guy what he’s doing to Johnny.

Here Comes Johnny One-Hand

And the doctor is all like “nothing!”

Specifically, he’s doing some nothing to where Johnny’s forearm used to be.

And then John “Johnny No-Arm” Barnett blinks at wheelchair guy!

Oh he’s dead. And yet he’s not dead. And you know what that means.
Zombies!
[glee]

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Lazarus? You brought ‘us to the party!

Lazarus

Episode Summary
Scully’s fellow agent and old flame Jack Willis gets shot and killed (or does he?!) by a bank robber named Dupre who has a spooky tattoo and a nutty girlfriend named Lula. Jack gets possessed by Dupre, Scully gets handcuffed to a radiator, insulin gets wasted: it’s all very titillating. Also, Mulder remembers his ninth grade math.

Bankman and Robbin’

Scully and some guy named Agent Willis are in a bank that’s about to close… waiting nervously for someone!

Meanwhile, two bank robbers in a car outside–

This is probably unrelated.

–talk about luck and call each other “Baby” a lot and franticly make out a little bit, giving us a peek at the dude robber’s forearm tattoo:

This is a tattoo that says “confidence”.
It looks like a pineapple and a fire-breathing snake.
I think it’s a genie coming out of a bottle near a green atom bomb.
Whatever it is, everybody knows he’s like an awesome rockstar because he has a tattoo.

And then the hockey mask and the shotgun and the shouting and the hey hey hey, and the robber shoots Agent Willis and Scully shoots the robber.

And crappy post-production slomo! What is this, the first season of a early-90′s FOX production?

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Ho Ho Holy Shit It’s My Dad’s Ghost

1×12 Beyond the sea

Episode summary:
Scully’s dad dies; a serial killer nabs some kids; Brad Dourif overacts in exactly the way we love to see him overact; Scully has visions of dead dad; Mulder gets shot pretty good; and you end up with the song “Beyond the Sea” stuck in your head for about five million years.

Chez Dana

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MULDER’S BIG ADVENTURE

It’s Major Garland Briggs! What’s he doing in Scully’s house?

I think Scully lives in Twin Peaks. Maybe she’s related to that crazy lady with the eyepatch and the draperies.
Good sailin’ Ahab.
Ah. This is the prequel to Moby Dick.
Night, Daddy.
Oh.

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In which Mulder is shirtless briefly

1×11 Fire

Episode Summary:
A pyromaniac named either Bob or Cecil tries to burn some old rich dude to death, as is apparently his wont. Mulder and Scully try to stop him, while Mulder’s old Oxford flame Phoebe reminds us just how nice it is that Phoebe is never in any other episodes besides this one.

Ye Olde England

An old rich dude! An Irish gardener guy named Cecil!

Cecil: bad and saucy.

Oh no! Richie McRicherson is on fire!

No one is trying very hard to help him.

Wish You Were Here cover art, rough draft

And Cecil just sits there, grinning Irishly.

He just sits because he has completed his motile larval stage.

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Ice Lice Splice Nice (Twice) (For a Price)

1×07 Ice

Episode summary:
Our heroes go on assignment Alaska, to investigate some violent trouble at a remote ice-core research facility. They, and their civilian scientific cohort, get stranded after a dog attack infects and ultimately kills their pilot. Paranoia and shouting and a certain amount of death ensues, before a chance discovery helps the agents neutralize the ancient, ice-dwelling parasitic threat. Also, everybody gets naked.

Stir crazy in Alaska

We’re in beautiful Icy Cape, Alaska, where there’s a bunch of dead people and a SHIRTLESS dude with a gun.

Two guns.
Is that a joke about muscles?
What?
Like, he’s got free tickets to the GUN SHOW?
No, he has two guns in his hands.

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jersey devil hanky panky

The Jersey Devil — 1×04

Episode summary:
After a corpse turns up in New Jersey with limbs chewed off BY HUMAN TEETH, Scully and Mulder head to Atlantic City, where Mulder argues with a local top cop and manages to spend a night in jail. With some help from an anthropologist and a park ranger, the agents eventually track down the (female!) Jersey Devil, but she’s killed in an altercation with the local police force. Also, Scully goes on a date.

1947

Night. A nuclear family in a car outside New Jersey. Singing “BINGO”. Flat tire! Dad goes out to fix it. Taps on the wife’s window with his flashlight, and says:

“Honey, do you mind holding the light for a secoAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRBGGGGH”

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