There wolf! There, castle.

SHAPES

Episode Summary:
Our agents investigate the shooting death of a Native American man on a ranch near a reservation; it turns out it was a freakin’ werewolf; no one gets laid. Twin Peak’s awesome guy Michael Horse guest stars! Also Scully completely doesn’t get laid, but what else is new.

We see a pictures of a stuffed wolf! And a stuffed owl!

It’s an episode about taxidermy!
Taciturny?
Tax attorneys?

There is spooky lightning! A scruffy old man–

Scruff galore!
Grizzly Adams!
Mark Twain!

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Take two medicine and call me in the morning!

And anyway something that looks an awful lot like a werewolf beats the crap out of the kid and then the old guy shoots it and IT TURNS OUT IT’S A MAN.

BROKELYCANTHROPE MOUNTAIN

The persons of ranch explain the grisly situation.

Look, mister, that cow looked like a piece of paper that’d gone through a shredder. I don’t know of no animal that could’ve done that.

Also, Clean-shaven Adams’ lawyer has a bolo tie on. He has a lawyer because everybody who hasn’t seen the intro to the episode thinks he just shot a Native American dude to death and not a werewolf or whatever.

Take a look at my boy’s scars.
[does not wait to be asked twice]

And then the kid, Lyle, confides a bit with the agents out of earshot of Pa and Bolo-Lawyer.

Blah blah blah freaky feeling in the darkness stuff, it gave me the creeps.
The creeps?
You know, the heebie-jeebies.
The hooziewhatsits.
The Mister McFeelies.
Yeah. The creeps. Don’t you ever get the creeps?
[Glances at Mulder]

Also, Mulder finds some foot prints that turn into paw prints, so he’s pretty much in hog heaven.

The paw prints only have four toes! Humans have five toes! There is a toe missing!
I feel like if you’re going through the kind of profound changes involved in lycanthropy you maybe have bigger physiological problems than your toe count, honey.
Werewolves have tails though, and humans don’t, so clearly the extra toes and maybe fingers migrate to your butt when you change.

And then he flaps something that looks like skin peeled off an old dude’s back in front of Scully, because he is an awful person:

Scully ages rapidly every time Mulder does this sort of thing.

TREGO INDIAN RESERVATION

Mulder gets in a dumb one-liner contest with an old Indian dude in a bar on the reservation, mentioning that he wears women’s deodorant and sneaking in a quick “I want to believe” before totally going for the OH HEY SO WEREWOLVES thing and pissing Scully off.

And holy butts, it’s Twin Peaks’ Michael “Deputy Tommy ‘Hawk’ Hill” Horse as the sheriff!

I’m not a park ranger.

They go and check out the body. While the sheriff and Scully have an actual adult conversation, Mulder like plays with the dead guy’s mouth or something:

MULDER YOU ARE NOT A DENTIST
He’s got fangs!
He’s a goth!

Despite asserting that

I’m fully qualified

Scully is totally denied an autopsy of the dead dude.

Remember when Data was all “I’m fully functional” when Tasha Yar wanted to have sex with him?
Mulder just watches that bit of that episode on loop sometimes.

POW WOW IN THE MULDERMOBILE

What aren’t you telling me? Why are we here?
Well, when a mommy Scully loves a daddy Scully very much…
A true piece of history, Scully. The very first X-File, initiated by J. Edgar Hoover himself in 1946.
A cross-dresser investigating a cross-specieser.

Also:

69.

Also:

But.
t.

And now some science from Dr. “I’m A Doctor” Scully:

Mulder, what this folder describes is called lycanthropy. It’s a type of insanity in which an individual believes he can turn into a wolf. I mean, no one can physically change into an animal.

Then the dead guy’s sister Gwen gives Scully some sort of claw-and-fur bauble of her brother’s in like the bitchiest way possible, but they’re about to set her dead brother on fire so you have to cut her a little slack.

Mulder and the sheriff have a being-manly-and-resolute-in-profile contest:

On your mark, get set, brood.
Charlie, do you believe in shapeshifting?
This is a funeral.
[stereotypical eagle screech]
[broods]

BACK AT THE RANCH

Old Grizzly sits on his porch at night with some whiskey, but then he hears a weird sound. He gets up to take a look!

Should he do that?
I’m not sure he should do that.
It’s probably not a thing he should do.

Don’t worry, it turns out it was maybe just the jingling of some metal ranching tool thingies in the wind.

Well that’s a rel–
OH GOD A WEREWOLF
It looks kind of like Alf actually.

I kill me!

So, that’s a pretty dead Mark Twain there I guess.

THE NEXT MORNING

Mulder finds some fur — and more weird discarded skin!

Molting…
It’s a snakewolf!
Weresnake!

Scully discovers Lyle naked and sleeping in a field and takes him to the hospital.

I feel like this is something we should make a joke about.
Indeed. Ha ha naked guy sex Scully etc.
Your father’s dead.
Worst pickup line ever, Dana.

Meanwhile, Mulder and the sheriff go talk to the old wizened dude Mulder was talking to back in the bar earlier in the episode.

I sense you are different, FBI.
He can get away with calling him that, but I don’t think it’d be okay if the tables were turned.
You mean if Mulder was like, “I want to believe, Indian”?
No, if the dude kept calling the FBI “Mulder”.
You even have an Indian name. Fox. You should be “Running Fox”. Or “Sneaky Fox.”
Or “Solid Snake.”
Or “Porn-Collecting Fox.”
Just as long as it’s not “Spooky Fox”.
:(

Anyway, I guess this isn’t a werewolf so much as a manitou. So take that, traditional schlocky monster names. And the condition is hereditary and shit — so maybe Gwen is a werewolf? Except maybe she’s not, and besides it’s obviously Lyle?

I’m not really sure which parts of this we as genre-savvy audience members are supposed to actually be wondering about at this point.

Oh and also apparently the folks at the hospital did a blood test and figured out that Lyle drank his dad’s blood.

“Nurse, I need a blood drinking test, stat.”
“Doctor, you think Lyle ingested Grizzly Adam’s blood?”
“Maybe. But I want to…”
[takes off sunglasses]
“…B positive.”

Carpools With Wolves

Scully gives Lyle a ride back to the ranch–

Just the two of them, ooh la la.

–and Lyle says he needs to vomit.

Seriously, this whole episode is like slash fiction kryptonite.

And then Lyle starts turning into a Manatee.

MY WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE

And then Mulder and the Sheriff show up and oh no where is Scully and then Mulder takes a couple potshots at the werewolf–

And blows the face off A STUFFED BEAR

Looks like it got…[sunglasses]…defaced.

–and then OH GOOD SCULLY IS SAFE, and there’s a bunch of tense GOSH THERE’S A LOT OF DEAD STUFFED ANIMALS IN THIS CREEPY HOUSE and then finally some extremely crappy slow motion and the Manitoba gets shot to death and its actually Lyle and was any of this supposed to be surprising?

THE END

Witty summation.
Clever rejoinder.
Fart joke.
Thing where I go “…”

12 Comments »

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    February 22, 2011 @ 3:05 am

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  2. Adam Said,

    February 22, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

    Awesome. I love the fact that the doctor wears sunglasses. I’m picturing aviators.

    Also loving “muldermobile”.

  3. Ashley Said,

    February 24, 2011 @ 8:49 am

    No matter how many times I watch this episode, I never remember it. Is that normal?

  4. jacob Said,

    March 28, 2011 @ 2:26 pm

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  5. Dene Said,

    March 31, 2011 @ 10:14 pm

    I. Love. This. Please. Never. Stop. well, at least not until it becomes the Dogget and Reyes show. Then you are welcome to stop.

  6. Adam Said,

    April 19, 2011 @ 5:54 pm

    I’ll just go ahead and close this up, then.

  7. Batshua Said,

    February 4, 2012 @ 11:35 am

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  8. Materialgirl79 Said,

    March 4, 2012 @ 3:55 am

    It’ll be back, in due time.

  9. Suze Said,

    March 10, 2012 @ 9:49 pm

    *weeps quietly, turns to Mapstalgia for cold comfort*

  10. Virginia Said,

    June 26, 2012 @ 9:50 am

    I hope you guys weren’t abducted.

  11. Dawn Said,

    September 19, 2012 @ 8:57 pm

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  12. Orange Swan Said,

    December 17, 2012 @ 9:38 pm

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