Benny Hinn, Eat Your Heart Out

Miracle Man

Episode summary
Mulder and Scully investigate possible faith-healing-related murder, discover faith-healer isn’t a murderer, discover faith-healed faith-healer assistant is a murderer, faith-healer gets murdered by sheriff, sheriff’s wife doesn’t get faith-healed, murdering faith-healed faith-healer assistant murders self. Also Fox thinks he sees his sister Samantha like four times and Scully briefly reminds us that she’s Catholic.

1983

Some kid named Samuel lays hands on the crispy corpse of a guy who burnt to death in a fire. The corpse promptly hold the kid’s hand!

When I-I-I / Say to you-ou-ou
Ahhhhh, zombies!
No, no, the power of Christ compels him.

Modern day

The scene is a Jesus rave.

It’s not a rave. There’s no glowsticks.
Glowcrucifixes.

Or really, a videotape of a tent ministry. The ministry of, and Mulder KNOWS this already, one Reverend Calvin Hartley, whose star attraction is that same Samuel who faith-healed as a kid, but now all grown up. And now it sounds like maybe he killed a lady he was supposed to heal?

Let’s go to Tennessee and find out!

AS YOU WERE / AS I WANT YOU TO BE

So our agents sit in on a tent ministry show, but after much fanfare, the Rev. Hartley reports that Samuel can’t be here today, and then blows ‘em off when they try to talk to him afterward. But local law enforcement personage Sheriff Daniels, who called in the agents to check things out, shows up to debrief ‘em a bit and discuss the ministry and such:

People want to believe, you know.
Like who, Mulder? Who wants to believe? Any ideas? Hrm? Hrm?
Ninety nine percent of the people in this world are fools. And the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Ahhhhh, zombies!

Anyway, we’ve got dead bodies of people the kid was supposed to heal, and those were never autopsied because the reverend objected on religious grounds and also the city official responsible for that stuff is also a ministry member and so basically the only thing to do now is to order:

AN EXHUMATION!

The situation has become…grave.

But this wouldn’t be much of an exhumation without a confrontation by angry dissenters, and this time it’s a whole mob, led by the freaky burn-victim-zombie guy Vance that young Samuel brought back to life those many flashbacks ago. He’s all like:

On behalf of the miracle ministry, we demand that you stop this sacrilege.
You’re not just dealing with me anymore, Vance. You’re dealing with the FBI.
Oh for poop’s sake.

And apparently showing up as a mob and being creepy and angry is enough to convince law enforcement to just be like “okay, fuck it, we won’t exhume these”.

They wouldn’t put up with that kind of thing on Reno 911!.
Seriously. These guys couldn’t be bigger pushovers if they were defective Weebles.

Downtown

Turns out Samuel was drinking in a bar and lost a bar fight and was genuinely feeling grumpy about his whole apparently-killing-folks-with-his-hands thing.

You doubt the power of God, ma’am?
No. But I doubt the veracity of your claims.
Vocabulary word!

And then, because why not pull in another subplot, Samuel starts talking about how he can see Mulder’s pain:

Really. What pain is that?
The pain you have regarding a brother or a sister. It’s an old pain. Never been healed.
Whammy!

In the courtroom of Judge Hamish Purdy

So Samuel tries to get himself held in jail, but nobody goes for it, and then the courtroom fills up with locusts.

Which later in a hotel room gives Mulder an excuse to read some choice Exodus quotes while Scully rolls her eyes. But more to the point: Mulder thinks the kid is for real, and that he’s using electromagnetic fields to heal (and kill!) people.

They have a chat with the good Reverend, who insists that Samuel’s the real deal and that the Sheriff is a big jerk, and he’s trying to sell them on coming to see the night’s show when Mulder’s sees A LITTLE GIRL IN A RED DRESS OUT THE WINDOW OH MY GOD IT’S TOTALLY HIS SISTER SAMANTHA.

BECAUSE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL, MULDER.

I’m sure this is what she’ll look like in future episodes, too.

And so Mulder goes looking for his dead sister and kind of makes a jackass out of himself, and then makes meaningful eye contact with Samuel through a window.

Maybe Samuel’s actual talent is manifesting little girls.
Manif–
Like he heals people by summoning up little girls.
Like little tiny nanogirls that do surgery, or wh–
And like every once in a while someone sees the girls and they freak out and that’s why they die.
I don’t–
Because they’re like OH MY GOD A LITTLE GIRL THAT FREAKS ME OUT.

In the tent

Free Koolaid for everybody! Or Pepsi. Whatever: free drinks. Drinks that certainly are well meaning and wholesome and not suspicious at all.

Embattled religious leader distributing liquids? Oh yeah!

Vance glad-hands some wheelchair-bound girl named Margaret Holman; Samuel continues to be all emo, but the show must go on; Mulder, Scully and the good Sheriff snag some seats near the back. Go time!

But then Mulder sees Samantha again and goes wandering around the tent while Samuel gets his heal on, laying some hands on that nice Margaret girl who promptly proceeds to die so hard she kicks several buckets, as verified by pulse-taking Doctor Scully. So that’s kind of a bummer.

This might be a good time for Samuel to leave.
With the not-getting-lynched and all, yeah. Especially considering that we’ve established that these people know how to mob up.

General Hospital

Scully guilts poor dead Margaret’s dad (the Margaret is dead, not the dad) into okaying an autopsy (while Vance preaches to the choir outside about desecration of the body and so on), and then makes weird cryptic remarks to Mulder about God and the Devil and how she was raised Catholic and how she likes The Exorcist and how Mulder is a nutter to think he sees his sister and that’s all great but now it’s time for…

Autopsy!
Scully sharpening her knife right before digging into that guy is kind of creeping me out.
I dunno, I think it’s kind of hot.

Scully squicks Mulder out by flashing a lung at him…

Okay, less hot.

…and then explains that Margaret probably died of oxygen deprivation. Probably from being poisoned with cyanide.

It was in the flavoraid pepsi!
The poison was in her cup the whole time!
All the cups were poisoned. The entire town of Kenwood, Tennessee has spent the last several years building up an immunity to ioacane powder.
Quiet, you.

And then Mulder goes to the jail and presses Samuel on the whole Margo-dying-of-poison-not-of-healing thing:

You’re innocent, Samuel. Unless you had a hand in administering it and I don’t think you did.
Whatever the cause, Mr. Mulder, I am responsible.
Even if the cause was…POGOSTICKS? No seriously, chaos theory- even the effect of a tiny pogostick fluttering its springs on the other side of the globe can cause an effect…
Whatever the cause.

And then he gets in a useless argument with Samuel about Samantha, and butts heads with the Sheriff, and then a deputy type lets a couple guys into Samuel’s cell to beat him to death for who knows what reason. Cheery!

Good morning!

You’ve got that look on your face, Mulder.
What look is that?
The kind when you’ve forgotten your keys and you’re trying to figure out how to get back in the house.
You’ve got that look on your face, Angela.
What look is that?
The kind when you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but you’re all out of peanut butter. And jelly.
No, no, you’re quite mistaken.
Oh? Then what look is that?
It’s the look I get when I’ve got ten thousand spoons, but all I need is a knife.

But so anyway they go check out the judge’s office because they need some, as Mulder says,

Clues?

And Mulder finds a clue with his foot! By killing it. It is a locust! From earlier when there were a bunch of locusts? In the courtroom? So they go up to the roof and Mulder finds a rock!

Scully!
[hunkers down]
It’s a potato!

IT. IS. A. POTATO.
That’s not a rock!

The potatoes were, Mulder surmises, used as locust bait. By someone other than God, we the viewers are left to surmise.

A bedroom

Vance is sleeping in his four-poster bed when, amidst dramatic lightning, a fucked-up bloody-ass Samuel appears and freaks him the hell out.

Ahhhh, zombie!

And Samuel’s ghost is all, boo, and:

You murdered those people, after I gave you back your life?

And Vance is all like:

You call this life?

And then the agents show up just in time to discover that Vance has had a taste of his own medicine, in the sense where medicine means “deadly poison”.

Also, a night nurse at the morgue mentions that Samuel sort of walked out of the morgue on his own two dead feet. And! The sheriff’s wheelchair-bound wife sort of figures out that maybe she should have tried that faith-healing shit after all. And the sheriff gets arrested for maybe ordering the murder of a dude. So pretty much it’s a happy ending all around.

And Mulder sees Samantha in a reflection, and is so taken aback by it that when Scully says:

Are you coming, Mulder?

–he doesn’t even bother to treat it like the blatant opportunity for a HURF DURF I’M COMING ALRIGHT joke that it so clearly is.

5 Comments »

  1. juniperphoenix Said,

    January 27, 2011 @ 12:04 pm

    I’m so glad you guys are back! I love these recaps.

  2. Orange Swan Said,

    January 29, 2011 @ 7:48 pm

    It’s so awesome that you two are making recaps again. There are so many X-Files moments I can’t wait to see you cover. The one that comes to mind at the moment is the time Mulder appeared in a wee red Speedo.

  3. Suze Said,

    February 2, 2011 @ 1:34 am

    I’m so glad that you guys are posting again!

    When you originally started this blog I thought to myself, “Oh, cool! I’ll synchronize my own X-Files rewatch with these posts!” and then came to realize that if I did that, at this rate it’d probably take me longer than the actual series run to complete it …

    I hope you keep up the posting! You guys are hilarious :)

  4. Mark Wrede Said,

    February 3, 2011 @ 1:10 pm

    Suggestions:
    1. X-Files Drinking Game:
    2 Flavors of Beer; Rules: One swallow of one flavor each time Mulder says “Scully,” One swallow of other flavor each time Scully says “Mulder.”
    1.5. Option: Shots: One shot for each shot fired.
    2. The Clock:
    Measure the time the agents spend juggling their badges, flashlights, guns, big phones, evidence baggies, and surgical gloves. Keep a running total per episode, per season, over the whole series.

  5. Materialgirl79 Said,

    March 4, 2012 @ 3:38 am

    ^what?

    “Quiet, you.” Hilarious. Good work. :-)

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