Mulder and Scully go chasing after a downed UFO that maybe doesn’t exist except for maybe it does. Or does it? Yes! Possibly. Scully meets the Lone Gunmen, Deepthroat and Mulder have some man time, some hippies throw a party for aliens, and Mulder sneaks into a secret military facility and discovers that OMG THERE REALLY ARE ALIENS, PROBABLY. And we all pretend that calling aliens “Extra-terrestrial Biological Entities” is totally a thing and not pretty silly.
The skies over Iraq
[EDITOR'S NOTE: FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE FOLLOWING JOKE, PLEASE PRETEND THAT IT IS STILL THE BEGINNING OF MAY 2010, WHICH IS WHEN WE FIRST STARTED WRITING THIS EPISODE. THANK YOU.]
Ha ha guys okay but we have to do an episode now so let’s just–
Guys, alright, but the blog–
So. Anyway, there’s a foreign guy in a jet in Iraq who totally sees a UFO. And he flips out and shoots the dang thing down. And then some American soldier dudes check out the crash site, but they’re interrupted by THE TITLE SEQUENCE OMG
Keep On Truckin’
And now, an American man driving a semi. Suddenly his radio goes wacky because of MYSTERIOUS INTERFERENCE! But then some stereotypical redneck-type AM radio callers start chattering about UFOs! And his truck kicks the bucket! Which means it’s time to grab his
You’re both right. And as part of his careful investigation of the situation he shoots at a bunch of boxes in the back of his truck while a UFO hovers overhead.
Mulder and Scully check out the, uh, trucker-shooting-at-his-own-cargo scene while Mulder blithely dismisses Scully’s various rational explanations for whatever the hell was going on.
And also as evidence of some weird local alien-stuff phenomenon, time stopped or something while they were checking out the area, as evidenced by Mulder’s “Mismatched Stopwatches” party trick.
Our agents grill Truckdriver McShotgun, who seems to be both annoyed and maybe totally sick. And then some local law enforcement waltzes in and does some overacting and tells Mulder and Scully to go screw.
So they get on a bus…back to Washington D.C, I guess? They’re taking the bus from Tennessee to D.C.? Is that a long way? Anyway, Mulder says, of some contacts he’s going to check with:
And, yeah, hey, it’s the Lone Gunmen! Who introduce themselves as their own personal stereotypes and, so, yes.
And then Scully takes a break from declaring the Gunmen to be totally paranoid to notice that some lady in Tennessee tricked her into taking a secret spy tracking device pen with her.
Mulder shines a blue light out his apartment window.
And then the phone ring ring ring rings.
Apparently it was Deepthroat calling to say “hey, meet me at the Jefferson Memorial I guess”, because that’s where they are.
Deepthroat hands Mulder a manila envelope–
–and wanders off, Yoda-like, while Mulder munches a sunflower seed.
So, the scoop: the government was using semi truck dude’s truck to transport alien crash site material!
Chez Mulder redux
Mulder gets home to a dark apartment. The lightswitch doesn’t work! There’s a figure in the dark! But, oh, it’s just freaking’ Deepthroat again.
But anyway so Deepthroat left Mulder a picture of a UFO!
Uh, Scully’s place I guess?
And Scully shits all over it–
–Scully expresses profound skepticism regarding it’s authenticity, informing Mulder that it’s totally a photoshop. Which makes Mulder all pissy and stuff.
Back at the office
Scully drops by the office, leaves her bag on the desk, gets some coffee, and when she comes back: her bag is laying on its side now!
Oh my god who is going through Scully’s b–
Oh. It’s just Mulder. And also he’s decided that the photo totally was a bullshit photoshop after all, so go Scully with one of the few wins she will ever, ever get.
Deepthroat and Mulder hold a meeting underwater.
And things get sexy:
On the run
His paranoia spiking thanks to Deepthroat’s little pep talk, Mulder pulls a Gene Hackman and tears his apartment apart. Though instead of playing the saxophone he finds a bug in a wall socket. And then Scully shows up, and they use the power of acting to try and trick whoever is listening into thinking they’re giving up.
And then the least exciting combination car chase / taxi ride / plane flight scene ever gets our agents to Las Vegas! So that they can…fly to Seattle! To find a truck.
Stakeout in Seattle
And then after following the truck for hours, there’s crazy mysterious interference and they black out or whatever and then the truck is just sitting there! So they climb in the back, shove some boxes out of the way, and find…a table!
Except maybe Mulder thinks it was a hoax anyway, because this time his stopwatches behaved and hence there was no mysterious alien-style mysterious field, so, okay. But! There were a bunch of alien sightings in Mattawa, WA!
So they drive around Mattawa for a while and eventually find some sort of hippie alien love camp:
A dude in a red jumpsuit describes it as a “UFO party”. And there’s the trucker dude, Rannheim! Coming out of a secure base type thing. Which means its time to call in–
–the Lone Gunmen.
The Lone Gunmen.
And so, with a little hacking help from the nerd wonders, Mulder and Scully become Braidwood and Stefoff and infiltrate the shit out of things. Mostly by walking around looking suspicious and then Mulder all running away when someone pulls a gun on him. But he gets caught by the guards in some freaky basement! It’s all over!
And then Deepthroat shows up and calls the guards off. And spills the beans: an international consortium vowed to basically kill any aliens they might find. And Deepthroat totally shot one one time and it was like shooting a baby or something? So that was kind of weird.