E.B.E.

E.B.E.

Episode Summary
Mulder and Scully go chasing after a downed UFO that maybe doesn’t exist except for maybe it does. Or does it? Yes! Possibly. Scully meets the Lone Gunmen, Deepthroat and Mulder have some man time, some hippies throw a party for aliens, and Mulder sneaks into a secret military facility and discovers that OMG THERE REALLY ARE ALIENS, PROBABLY. And we all pretend that calling aliens “Extra-terrestrial Biological Entities” is totally a thing and not pretty silly.

The skies over Iraq

[EDITOR'S NOTE: FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE FOLLOWING JOKE, PLEASE PRETEND THAT IT IS STILL THE BEGINNING OF MAY 2010, WHICH IS WHEN WE FIRST STARTED WRITING THIS EPISODE. THANK YOU.]

You know what it almost is?
What?
Cinco de Mayo.
And that–
THE MEX FILES.

Ha ha guys okay but we have to do an episode now so let’s just–

You know, that reminds me of Mexicorn.
That is not a thing.
Any other day of the year, you’d have a magical horse with a horny protuberance on its forehead.
Holy shit, it actually is a thing, I thought you were–
But on Cinco de Mayo: MEXICORN.

Guys, alright, but the blog–

This is a thing that exists.
They should do an X-Files episode about the Jolly Green Giant.
And Little Sprout.

GUYS! CHRIST!

So. Anyway, there’s a foreign guy in a jet in Iraq who totally sees a UFO. And he flips out and shoots the dang thing down. And then some American soldier dudes check out the crash site, but they’re interrupted by THE TITLE SEQUENCE OMG

Keep On Truckin’

And now, an American man driving a semi. Suddenly his radio goes wacky because of MYSTERIOUS INTERFERENCE! But then some stereotypical redneck-type AM radio callers start chattering about UFOs! And his truck kicks the bucket! Which means it’s time to grab his

Flashlight!
Shotgun!

You’re both right. And as part of his careful investigation of the situation he shoots at a bunch of boxes in the back of his truck while a UFO hovers overhead.

Next Morning

Mulder and Scully check out the, uh, trucker-shooting-at-his-own-cargo scene while Mulder blithely dismisses Scully’s various rational explanations for whatever the hell was going on.

And you know, there’s a marsh over there.
And you know what that means.
MARSHIANS!
Those lights the driver saw may have been swamp gas.
Oh man okay so I have a fart joke for this, let me think for a–
Happens to me when I eat Dodger dogs.
DAMMIT MULDER

Also:

How could a dozen witnesses including a squad of police vehicles in three counties become hysterical over swamp gas?
Practice, practice, practice!

And also as evidence of some weird local alien-stuff phenomenon, time stopped or something while they were checking out the area, as evidenced by Mulder’s “Mismatched Stopwatches” party trick.

Time keeps not ticking’, ticking’, tickin’
Chicks totally dig this.

Police Station

Our agents grill Truckdriver McShotgun, who seems to be both annoyed and maybe totally sick. And then some local law enforcement waltzes in and does some overacting and tells Mulder and Scully to go screw.

So they get on a bus…back to Washington D.C, I guess? They’re taking the bus from Tennessee to D.C.? Is that a long way? Anyway, Mulder says, of some contacts he’s going to check with:

They publish a magazine called The Lone Gunmen–
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Gunman HQ

And, yeah, hey, it’s the Lone Gunmen! Who introduce themselves as their own personal stereotypes and, so, yes.

I’m earnest and I don’t mean P. Worrell.
If I owned a stepladder I would totally do Scully.
I know 37 different ways to scoff!

But, later:

Those were the most paranoid people I have ever met. I don’t know how you could think what they say is even remotely plausible.
I think it’s remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot.
Mulder continues to not get laid.

And then Scully takes a break from declaring the Gunmen to be totally paranoid to notice that some lady in Tennessee tricked her into taking a secret spy tracking device pen with her.

Pen is mightier

Chez Mulder

Mulder shines a blue light out his apartment window.

Bat signal.
Bat vague gesture.

And then the phone ring ring ring rings.

BANANA PHONE.

Apparently it was Deepthroat calling to say “hey, meet me at the Jefferson Memorial I guess”, because that’s where they are.

What am I on–
Crack?
–to?
Oh.

Deepthroat hands Mulder a manila envelope–

HEY MULDER CHECK OUT MY PACKAGE

–and wanders off, Yoda-like, while Mulder munches a sunflower seed.

FBI basement

So, the scoop: the government was using semi truck dude’s truck to transport alien crash site material!

Mulder, you’re the only one I trust.
Then you’re going to have to trust me.
I trust that I trust you.
I hope that’s a trustful trust.
You’re my trusty Mister Trusterton.

PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH A FEMALE

Chez Mulder redux

Mulder gets home to a dark apartment. The lightswitch doesn’t work! There’s a figure in the dark! But, oh, it’s just freaking’ Deepthroat again.

Are UFOs monitoring the area?
The “area”. The aliens prefer it to be shaved.
You sure they don’t like a landing strip?

But anyway so Deepthroat left Mulder a picture of a UFO!

Uh, Scully’s place I guess?

And Scully shits all over it–

She does no such thing.
Figuratively speaking.
That’s a horrible image. Ew.

–Scully expresses profound skepticism regarding it’s authenticity, informing Mulder that it’s totally a photoshop. Which makes Mulder all pissy and stuff.

I have never met anyone so passionate and dedicated to a belief as you. It’s so intense that sometimes it’s blinding. But there are others who who are watching you, who know what I know, and while I can respect and admire your passion they will use it against you.

This is a passionate man, folks.
Mulder, the truth is out there.
Bam!
But so are lies.
Thank you.
And now I’ll go do whatever I want anyway.
Which is become a sex addict.
David Duchovney is never going to twitter about our blog at this rate.

Back at the office

Scully drops by the office, leaves her bag on the desk, gets some coffee, and when she comes back: her bag is laying on its side now!

The bag is drunk!
You leave my mom out of this.

Oh my god who is going through Scully’s b–

Oh. It’s just Mulder. And also he’s decided that the photo totally was a bullshit photoshop after all, so go Scully with one of the few wins she will ever, ever get.

The giveaway was the moon!

Seaworld

Who’s got four thumbs and is at an aquarium? THESE GUYS.

Deepthroat and Mulder hold a meeting underwater.

I spent years watching you from my…lofty position.
He means he was high.
The Kennedy assassination, MIAs, radiation experiments on terminal patients, Watergate, Iran contra, Roswell, the Tuskegee experiments–
–the Manchurian Candidate, synchronous feline offgassing, Christopher Walken’s robot doppelganger, poptarts–
–Six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign towers, slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn–
–where will it end?
It was always burning since the world was turning.

And things get sexy:

Why did you even bother to show it to me?
It was pathetic!
Small and shriveled!
Seriously, what is wrong with your penis!

And:

And a lie, mister Mulder, is most convincingly hidden between two truths.
It’s a lie sandwich!
If you want to skimp on carbs, you can just stack the lie on a slice of truth. Open-faced lie sandwich.
And if there’s no hair on your sandwich it’s a bald-faced lie sandwich.
Throw some tomatoes and basil on and maybe drizzle some olive oil on there.
Which makes–
Truthschetta.

And!

Mulder, if a shark stops swimming, it will die. Don’t stop swimming.
You are literally a shark, Mulder.
And in about seven seasons you will jump yourself.

On the run

His paranoia spiking thanks to Deepthroat’s little pep talk, Mulder pulls a Gene Hackman and tears his apartment apart. Though instead of playing the saxophone he finds a bug in a wall socket. And then Scully shows up, and they use the power of acting to try and trick whoever is listening into thinking they’re giving up.

And then the least exciting combination car chase / taxi ride / plane flight scene ever gets our agents to Las Vegas! So that they can…fly to Seattle! To find a truck.

Stakeout in Seattle

And at this point Scully is bored out of her skull and is staring at Mulder through her binoculars. Backwards.

This is the opposite of a realistic Gillian Anderson stalking scenario.
Oh Mulder you’re so far away!
You’re freaking’ tiny!
You’ll have to talk louder!
Also this car is HUGE.

And then after following the truck for hours, there’s crazy mysterious interference and they black out or whatever and then the truck is just sitting there! So they climb in the back, shove some boxes out of the way, and find…a table!

There WAS an extra-terrestrial biological entity!
Thank god you can start taking me not seriously again!

Except maybe Mulder thinks it was a hoax anyway, because this time his stopwatches behaved and hence there was no mysterious alien-style mysterious field, so, okay. But! There were a bunch of alien sightings in Mattawa, WA!

I think they want their collies back.
They’ve got some serious herding to do.
I think he said “colleagues”.
Oh, like Jules Verne.
No, 20,000 Colleagues Under the Sea is not a real book.

So they drive around Mattawa for a while and eventually find some sort of hippie alien love camp:

Space Bros before Space Hos

A dude in a red jumpsuit describes it as a “UFO party”. And there’s the trucker dude, Rannheim! Coming out of a secure base type thing. Which means its time to call in–

The A-Team!
The ghostbusters!

–the Lone Gunmen.

The brute squad?

The Lone Gunmen.

Fake IDs aren’t just for teenagers anymore.

And so, with a little hacking help from the nerd wonders, Mulder and Scully become Braidwood and Stefoff and infiltrate the shit out of things. Mostly by walking around looking suspicious and then Mulder all running away when someone pulls a gun on him. But he gets caught by the guards in some freaky basement! It’s all over!

And then Deepthroat shows up and calls the guards off. And spills the beans: an international consortium vowed to basically kill any aliens they might find. And Deepthroat totally shot one one time and it was like shooting a baby or something? So that was kind of weird.

I don’t know what lie to believe.
Believe in life after love, after love, after love, after love.
You know, by definition he shouldn’t believe any of the lies. They’re lies.

10 Comments »

  1. Rebecca Said,

    January 19, 2011 @ 10:39 pm

    YES. This is an outstanding recap. I missed you guys SO HARD.

    Also David Duchovny doesn’t love anyone. I bet that if twitter existed in the 90s, he wouldn’t have twittered about Bree Sharp’s blog either.

  2. Mark Wrede Said,

    January 20, 2011 @ 8:01 am

    Glad to see you back! Don’t stay away so long next time! I can’t wait to find out what happens to Mulder and Scully, secure in the knowledge that it must entail juggling surgical gloves, badges, evidence baggies. flashlights, telephones the size of bricks, and, of course, guns while tearing around in the dark screaming each other’s names. “Scul-lee!” “Mull-der!” “Scul-lee!” “Mull-der!” “Scul-lee!” “Mull-der!”
    Although I must admit I like the show better when it was called Twin Peaks.

  3. ND¢ Said,

    January 20, 2011 @ 8:49 am

    I find the other person talking who is not the guy and not the girl and not in the X-files confusing. Who is this person? Like an omnipotent narrator and the guy and the girl are making with the wise cracks and sometimes Mulder and Scully say what they really said and sometimes they are not saying what they really said? I might not have it in me to follow all this. Also wasn’t David Duchovny the boring type of sex addict who just like watches internet porn all the time? If you’re a sex addict you should be out getting it on with the ladies. David Duchovny is like an alcoholic hooked on O’Doul’s. I wonder if his twitters are surprisingly erotic. I’ll check.

  4. ND¢ Said,

    January 20, 2011 @ 8:52 am

    http://twitter.com/dduchovny: “thanks for the tip pbw!” Oh yeah!

  5. The Proprietors Said,

    January 20, 2011 @ 9:03 am

    [Josh] Oh hi!

    Glad to see you back! Don’t stay away so long next time!

    This is a violation of my “don’t make stupid promises because you’re just gonna keep breaking them, jeez” dictum, but I promise we won’t stay away so long this time, at least for a couple more episodes, because we’ve got a couple more episodes literally ready to go this time. Like, more ready to go than this one was back around Cinco De Mayo last year.

    But what will happen a couple weeks after that? Will we successfully get back in the habit and keep the backlog stocked? Who knows! There are forces working against us, forces we cannot begin to comprehend. But here’s hoping.

    I find the other person talking who is not the guy and not the girl and not in the X-files confusing. Who is this person?

    This was in fact a matter of debate between we two proprietors, when we sat down to edit this episode. The third-voice aspect is pretty much all my doing, since I do most of the narration-note-taking when we’re pausing and rewinding and joking our way through a show. And my feeling is that the faceless narrator has been sort of on the edge of personhood in previous writeups, but not necessarily as explicitly in this one, whereas Angela’s take was more like yours: who is this “person” suddenly in the text?

    So it’s a matter of internal authorial debate still. It may be that the characterness of the narrator needs to be dialed back, or that it needs to be made somehow more coherent? I don’t know yet. But, yes, duly noted.

  6. Ashley Said,

    January 20, 2011 @ 11:37 am

    Oh, why oh WHY do you guys only write one post per year? It is a CRIME.

  7. tree Said,

    January 22, 2011 @ 10:16 pm

    you know what would be awesome? audio commentary a la rifftrax!

    p.s. there is no ‘e’ in duchovny

  8. Dawn Said,

    January 23, 2011 @ 8:10 pm

    ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT New post!!
    I had given up hope~I had fuzzy feelings inside when I saw this.
    Though I am troubling my roommate with the maniacal laughter. But hey. It’s worth it!!! :D
    I’m going to read it again now.

  9. lady gaga Said,

    March 20, 2011 @ 9:59 pm

    Dead at “If I owned a stepladder I’d totally do Scully”.

    Bravo.

  10. Materialgirl79 Said,

    March 2, 2012 @ 10:43 am

    woooooooo! That is all.

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