Lazarus? You brought ‘us to the party!

Lazarus

Episode Summary
Scully’s fellow agent and old flame Jack Willis gets shot and killed (or does he?!) by a bank robber named Dupre who has a spooky tattoo and a nutty girlfriend named Lula. Jack gets possessed by Dupre, Scully gets handcuffed to a radiator, insulin gets wasted: it’s all very titillating. Also, Mulder remembers his ninth grade math.

Bankman and Robbin’

Scully and some guy named Agent Willis are in a bank that’s about to close… waiting nervously for someone!

Meanwhile, two bank robbers in a car outside–

This is probably unrelated.

–talk about luck and call each other “Baby” a lot and franticly make out a little bit, giving us a peek at the dude robber’s forearm tattoo:

This is a tattoo that says “confidence”.
It looks like a pineapple and a fire-breathing snake.
I think it’s a genie coming out of a bottle near a green atom bomb.
Whatever it is, everybody knows he’s like an awesome rockstar because he has a tattoo.

And then the hockey mask and the shotgun and the shouting and the hey hey hey, and the robber shoots Agent Willis and Scully shoots the robber.

And crappy post-production slomo! What is this, the first season of a early-90′s FOX production?

Hospital time

Willis is flatlining on a table in the ER; the doctors want to give up after thirteen minutes, but, wait!

I’m a doctor!
Yay, she remembers!

And now for the spooky bit: while they’re repeatedly shocking Willis McDeaderson with the paddles, the bank robber corpse in the background is convulsing in time.

Two hearts…convulsing as one…
How do the people facing the dead body in the background not notice that?

Scully’s Ultradoctor gambit pays off — Willis gets a heartbeat! And we get a lingering shot of the dead robber guy’s tattoo.

This is probably unrelated.

Two Days Later

We open on the Bethesda Naval Hospital.

For those with life-threatening bellybutton injuries.

The camera pans over to, and then zooms in on, the face of Not Dead Agent Jack Willis, laying in his hospital bed with a respirator in his mouth and his eyes closed.

I bet his eyes open.

His eyes open!

Any time you see a camera slowly zoom in on somebody whose eyes are closed, those eyes are gonna open.
I think it’s because they’re all like “holy shit what are you doing with that camera”
“hey I think somebody has garlic breath”
“okay, I’m up, I’m up!”

And now a quick montage — Willis walking out of the hospital room, Willis stealing some guy’s clothes, Willis…preparing to strangle a nurse with surgical tubing…Willis having a flashback to being shot by…Willis.

Willis touching his face in the mirror. Willis staring at the corpse of dead robber guy. Willis CUTTING OFF DEAD GUY’S FINGER TO STEAL RING.

Fool! Fingers aren’t worth bupkis on the black market!
During which they play the “you’re about to see aliens, home viewer” music.
THEREFORE: WILLIS IS AN ALIEN.

The Office

Mulder checks in with Scully. Willis is missing.

Abducted by aliens. By which I mean: himself.
I heard something on the way down about a mutilation?
[Oh god, let it be cattle, let it be cattle...]

Unfortunately for Mulder, Scully — oblivious to Mulder’s burgeoning bovine enthusiasms — reveals that it’s just those fingers we saw a minute ago, and theorizes that Willis is cutting off robbers’ fingers and disappearing because he’s gone nuts after working on this case for so long.

OR MAYBE HE’S AN ALIEN, “DOCTOR” SCULLY

Cut to Willis doing a little breaking and entering at some house.

Hi, Mister Window! I’d like you to meet my fist!

He’s looking for Lula, the lady robber! He says “baby” several times! His arm, it’s growing a tattoo!

Oh the tat came back / the very next day

Back in the office, Mulder starts needling Scully about what he thinks is going on, showing her an EKG from during the bringing-Willis-back-to-life episode:

What does it look like?
Two heartbeats.
Point one: Dr. Who has two hearts.
Point two: Dr. Who is an alien.
Point three: QED.

Meanwhile, at the U Maryland bio department

What’s up with near-death experiences, Scully?

Dissociative hallucinatory activity.

Who’s asking? Dr. Barnes, who yammers on about the electrical activity involved in near-death experiences, and people who come back from the brink being unable to wear wrist-watches, and how almost dying can really put a spring in your step, etc, but then Mulder brings him back down to earth:

What about the negative consequences?
Zombies.
Being an alien.

Dr. Barnes says there’s a window of time during dying where the body is “vulnerable”. And then tells a nice story about a pilot who almost died and got mentally invaded by some other now-dead guy who had been schtupping his wife and he went crazy and strangled his wife with an extension cord. The end!

Have a great day, agents!

Mulder and Scully exit stage left, discussing amongst themselves:

I don’t discount the near-death experience, because it can be explained empirically by stimulation of the temporal lobe.
I sense a big butt coming.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU THE REASON WE DECIDED TO START THIS BLOG.

And then Scully drops a bombshell about Willis:

We dated, for almost a year. He was my instructor at the Academy.

Mulder’s “Oh, that’s…nice…” face

So Mulder thinks Willis has been invaded by the spirit of the dead robber guy, Dupre, and Scully is positive that he’s just having a massive psychotic break.

And neither of them has any idea he’s an alien.

Crime Time

Willis jumps some guy named Tommy — Lula’s brother! And then gives some wacky speech about Lulu and beauty and whatever the heck, and says Tommy “set [them] up” and totally shoots him in the face.

Next morning, Scully and Mulder are casing the scene when Willis shows up and gets all intense and stuff. Scheming Mulder pulls the old “I know you and Scully have the same birthday because of some exposition earlier in the episode so I’m going to give you a birthday card for her and tell you to sign it to prove that you don’t know it’s not her birthday because you fail to say OH HEY YEAH THAT’S RIGHT ITS BOTH OF OUR BIRTHDAYS TODAY, AWESOME–

Because aliens don’t have a Sol-based year or a cultural tradition of birthday celebrations–

–and also I’ll notice that you sign the card with the wrong hand, sucker” switcheroo gambit.

Scully is unconvinced, however, because she has forgotten that she is on The X-Files and is bound by x-law to be wrong about any rational explanations she might have.

Can’t you accept the possibility that this isn’t an X-File?
If this isn’t an X-File, does that mean they’re just, like, messing around on company time?
Following Willis around for shits and giggles. Your tax dollars at work.

Willis and Scully

Willis follows a lead, Scully in tow, to an apartment building where Lula was spotted. They catch her DOING LAUNDRY but she bolts and they commence to search for her in the surprisingly creepy apartment building basement.

Baaaaaasemeeeent / you don’t have to put on the red liiiiiight

Then Lula jumps Scully, Scully tackles and handcuffs Lula, Willis grabs Scully’s gun and tells Scully to cuff HERSELF and calls Lula “Baby” a bunch, and Scully suddenly looks like maybe she realizes something is a little bit weird here maybe.

Cue Willis telling Lula stuff that only Dupre could know, yadda yadda yadda.

Cue dawning recognition and belief on Lula’s part.

Oh, and Scully is handcuffed to a radiator.

It’s a little known fact that they no longer install radiators in houses because of the associated handcuffed special agent infestations.

Mulder on the chase

Willis calls a pissed-off Mulder, who demands to talk to Scully. Mulder calls her “Dana”. Willis hangs up.

Commence Scully trying to get Willis to snap out of it by talking about stuff from their dating life, and Willis overacting like crazy and drinking lots of soda, which you’d think is a pretty random detail but, wait:

Jack Willis is diabetic.
How convenient.
Yes but is it diet soda?
Why does–

Soda crisis begets drug store robbery, but then Lula spills the beans — it wasn’t Tommy who set Lula and Dupre up, it was Lula who set Dupre up, and him showing back up in Willis’ body was an unwelcome surprise.

Then why the hell did Lula bother making them go steal insulin in the first place?

Also, Lula wants (pink to mouth) ONE MILLION DOLLARS ransom for Scully; the FBI traced the call to…Scully’s cellphone. Aw, poop. But then an FBI audio nerd throws on a Z14 filter filter and tweaks some knobs and, hey, there’s an airplane on the tape of the phone call! So she’s near… an airplane.

Afterschool special

FBI guy #1: Mulder says he’s got something.
FBI guy #2: What?

Alien herpes.
Unidentified festering objects.

FBI guy #2: An alien virus, or new information on the Kennedy assassination?

Oh. I guess he had the mocking-Mulder thing down already.
You can’t catch Kennedy Assassination from an alien hooker though, can you?

Anyway, it turns out there are no hookers or Kennedys involved. Mulder draws a picture of a flight path:

Giant pen invades local neighborhood
Now for those of you who remember ninth grade math, that gives us an area of just over three square miles to cover.

Ninth grade was a long time ago, Mulder.

In the bad place

Jack Willis seems to be Jack again kinda; he and Scully go back and forth about some details of a sexy weekend they shared in a cabin in the woods. Also, Jack is still kinda dying of diabetic shock and having flashbacks of the bank robbery from both ends of the soul spectrum.

Also, an FBI agent posing as an evangelist tries to interest Lula in the word of the Lord.

Sneaky bible man.
Most Jehovah’s Witnesses are actually CIA, btw.

Scully tells Lula that Jack’s dead; Lula drops her wedding ring on his prone body; and he pulls her gun out of her belt and turns it on her. The FBI swarms the place. It is all very tense and stuff.

Then Lula tries to talk Jack out of shooting her and doesn’t do a very good job, and Jack manages to die of shock finally like two seconds later. And that darned tattoo fades!

So where’d Dupre’s soul go?
Heaven or possibly some place that is not heaven?
It took off pretty fast.
Yeah, it seemed to hang around in the hospital for a while the first time.
I guess Jack was sort of a soul roomie the whole time, too.

The rest of it all

Mulder gives something to Scully: dead old Jack’s watch.

The front of the watch is Mickey Mouse.
What am I supposed to tell myself?
Good night.
Mulder, that doesn’t make any damn sense.
It’s not working.
SEE?!
I think she means the watch.
Good night.
STOP SAYING THAT.

29 Comments »

  1. The Proprietors Said,

    March 27, 2009 @ 7:30 pm

    [Josh] Sorry about the ridiculous wait! I blame the cats!

  2. Suze Said,

    March 27, 2009 @ 8:49 pm

    The cats are always to blame!!

    Mulder’s “I sense a big butt coming” will never fail to make me giggle like a 12-year-old. That is all.

  3. Shalora Said,

    March 27, 2009 @ 9:55 pm

    “We open on the Bethesda Naval Hospital.
    For those with life-threatening bellybutton injuries.”

    Seriously, you guys are so incredibly funny! This is why we get all cranky – we need our laugh fix! (at least it’s a cheap addiction…)

  4. Ashley Said,

    March 27, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

    That was entirely too much of a wait in between episodes.

  5. Maddie Cakes Said,

    March 28, 2009 @ 11:39 am

    Yayy U Maryland was in this ep! I went there and so did SCULLY!

  6. Calraigh Said,

    March 28, 2009 @ 7:55 pm

    I don’t think I can handle another quarter month wait folks!
    Cats can only sustain a person for so long and then you just go a little bit mental. Even a little bit *more* mental.

    Anyone else always a little bit weirded out by the fact that Jack looks like he’s about 62 and Scully went out with him for a year-when he was 35?

  7. Frank Said,

    March 30, 2009 @ 12:12 am

    Oh my God. Where have you two been all my life? I’m such a fan of the X-Files, and no one understands. I own every episode, and finally finished them all after about 2 years.

    Best 2 years of my life.

    Keep doing what you do. I think I’ll pick up the series again with you guys.

  8. Beau Said,

    March 30, 2009 @ 8:58 am

    YEY!!! Finally an update from you guys!

  9. Chel Said,

    April 2, 2009 @ 11:22 am

    Damn cats, keeping you both away from us. They should know better.

    Haha, on a less Paul-Rudd-circa-’I Love You Man’-bad-joke note, it’s nice to hear from you crazy kids again.

  10. That's what she Said,

    April 2, 2009 @ 10:24 pm

    FYI: Most Jehovah’s Witnesses are CIA…. Golden.

  11. deborah Said,

    April 5, 2009 @ 9:22 pm

    You know if you declawed and/or circumcised those cats they wouldn’t be such a problem.

  12. Penny Said,

    April 9, 2009 @ 12:22 pm

    I discovered your Blog through the X Files Ultimate site a few days ago. Must say it’s been wildy entertaining so far! Best reviews on X Files I’ve seen in a long time. LOL! Looking forward to the rest of the eps, especially my absolute favourites ‘Biogenesis’ and the two ‘Sixth Extinctions’. I actually get a guilty pleasure from getting shows I like ripped apart. My husband is great at that!

    By the way I am a huge cat lover and your two kitties are just gorgeous. I have a mischevious little rascal called Caspurr who is a silver tabby (like the Whiskas cat!)

    Take Care!

    Penny xx

  13. Cristina Said,

    April 11, 2009 @ 9:25 am

    “Ninth grade was a long time ago, Mulder.”

    LMAO!

    I’d missed you guys! :)

  14. Heather Said,

    April 13, 2009 @ 1:16 pm

    Favorite picture caption of the episode: “Giant pen invades local neighborhood.”

    Thank you! (I’m sure the cats are adorable, but we need you more!)

  15. Beau Said,

    April 22, 2009 @ 7:21 am

    Will we wait for another month for an update?

  16. Beau Said,

    April 29, 2009 @ 12:12 am

    So when’s the next update? :D

    Sorry, a little needy here. I just enjoy you guys so much…. more than I do cats.

  17. The Proprietors Said,

    April 29, 2009 @ 4:58 am

    [Josh] Sorry! There’s been a whole lot of Real Life lately, and it’s been eating up potential mulderation time.

    You can entertain yourself in the mean time by listening to me play the ukulele!

  18. Shalora Said,

    May 25, 2009 @ 8:26 pm

    *pokesprods* Enough with the ukelele, give us more X-Files!

  19. Rozmundo Said,

    May 27, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

    Months ago I stumbled upon this wonderous account of my favourite crime fighting heroes and their adventures; it’s no exaggeration to say you brightened my evening(s) thereafter, particularly when I laughed so much at the scat joke in Jersey Devil that for days afterwards all my girlfriend had to do was say “skibbity be wop” and I’d fall about laughing again (it took me by surprise you see). I come back and check on you pretty regularly and have resisted the urge to write as I thought it might be construed as nagging and nobody needs more nagging in their life… But please, should you get the chance, share some more of your comedy gold with us!

  20. The Proprietors Said,

    May 27, 2009 @ 4:20 pm

    [Josh] Aw, sorry to keep y’all waiting. Life has been distracting, so who knows on ETA for the next post, but we’re not dead or anything.

    Cold comfort, but you can kill some time on this little flash game I just wrote. Me learning flash could have entertaining implications for our Agents in the long run, maybe.

  21. Amanda Said,

    June 26, 2009 @ 7:03 pm

    It sucks that you’re busy but I know how life gets sometimes! I love Mulder’s Big Adventure and I hope you update soon. Looking forward to the next episode :D

    ~You guys rock~

  22. Pat Said,

    July 14, 2009 @ 7:24 pm

    Can’t wait for Duane Berry!

  23. Shalora Said,

    September 6, 2009 @ 11:07 am

    Update? Ever again? Plz?

  24. Brigid Said,

    October 3, 2009 @ 9:56 pm

    I love you guys!
    but not the lack of updates..

  25. Amanda Said,

    October 12, 2009 @ 10:54 am

    Please update soon ):

  26. Adam Said,

    November 3, 2009 @ 5:28 pm

    I just googled “Mulder’s bog adventure.”

  27. Nina Said,

    November 6, 2009 @ 2:48 am

    You guys are the best … CAPTIONS = WIN.

  28. Adam Said,

    March 4, 2010 @ 10:32 am

    approaching one year!

  29. Dawn Said,

    November 6, 2011 @ 7:58 am

    GIANT PEN INVADES LOCAL NEIGHBORHOOD XD AHAHA laughing maniacally!! I love it!

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