i made you a gender but i bended it

Gender Bender

Episode summary:
Mulder and Scully investigate a suspicious death, leading them into rural Massachusetts and a pre-technology collective that calls itself The Kindred and is totally not the Amish, we swear. Sex-change, resurrection, and hot sexy pheremonal hijinks ensue, and Mulder gets kicked in the face.

Out Clubbin’

We see an eyeball!

And then a disco ball!

And then an eyeball! Again! It’s madness!

And then a whole bunch of party people!

Brought to you by Axe Body Spray
Is it bad to make Buffy references?
Oh, because this is–
–completely The Bronze.


A guy in the club is getting his robo-horoscope when some not overtly clubber-looking woman comes up to him and grabs his hand and then he’s all like instantly moony and follows her yonder.

The horoscope reads “don’t go with that lady, she’s going to sex you to death.”
SPOILER ALERT.
The horoscope continued, “stay with me. I can give you good horoscopes. We could be happy together.”
“I’m so lonely,” it says, and then prints out little extra horoscopes with sad faces and the word “*sob*” on them.

Cut to them gettin’ it on and clasping hands in color negative. Dude declares that the sex was incredible, and then proceeds to freakin’ DIE, coughing up some gross foam stuff too. Cut to the sexy sex lady in the shadows, who doesn’t seem to be too concerned about the guy dying since she’s busy TURNING INTO A MAN.

Crime scene

Mulder scrapes some pink death vomit off the victim’s mouth while a detective explains the crime scene to Scully using the word “chippy” to describe the woman.

More like “chick he”.
Woman turns into man. Pun. Okee-doke, honey.
Well, chippy doesn’t make any sense either.
You have to understand, this detective’s investigative method involves using snack food metaphors for everything. He’s the Sherlock Holmes of Nabisco County.

Sez the detective, the guy died of a blown artery, ergo “it must have been some roll in the hay.”

Scully glances at Mulder. Mulder glances at Scully. They’re both thinking the same thing:

“This is a bigger mystery than we thought.”
“The HAY has VANISHED.”

And, okay, look:

It’s hard to imagine this day and age, someone having sex with a perfect stranger.

Which, okay. 1993. We’re still in like the tail end of prime-time AIDS concern, so in that day and age I guess it was a little harder to imagine. But I also wonder if this is maybe a comment on Scully’s own lack of imagination here.

“I can hardly imagine this day and age eating a BLT for lunch.”

Mulder in the mean time is actively imagining having sex with the detective, the corpse, and several chippies.

And goddammit the corpse just BLINKED.
In his defense, Duchovney was kind of tickling him in the nipple with a swizzle stick.

Slideshow of Death

Mulder, slides at the ready, has projectioneered evidence of a whole string of these sexy-scratches-plus-death-foam killings. Scully asks if it’s a new drug on the streets, but Mulder says au contraire: the corpses are lousy with pheremones.

The chemicals that animals secrete?! You mean sexual attractants.
That’s it. This woman is terrified of sex.

Also: The Kindred, a kind of Amish knock-off religious sect. They make pottery from clay from the hills around their sect — and some of that clay was on a victim! OMG!

Steveston

Our agents head out to Massachusetts and start poking around town. There’s a budding mystery of some pictures that are allegedly being reframed, which, wow, that’s got to be a low water mark in plot points so let’s see what this store has on sale instead:

Candy Bonbons! Hell yes!

A bunch of Kindred pull into town to do some shopping at Ye Olde Feed Store, conveniently enough, and Mulder goes in to try and FBIize them while Scully makes small talk with one guy who stayed out with the carriage.

Look at that horse tongue!

The horse’s name is Alice.

I’m Dana Scully. I don’t mean you any harm.

She shakes dude’s hand. Dude rubs his thumb on her hand a little. She totally SPACES OUT.

There’s something up there, Mulder.
I’ve been saying that for years.

Into the woods

Mulder and Scully hike up into Kindred forest and we’re treated to Mulder having trouble reading a map:

Denny’s Kid Time Placemat is not a good navigational aid.

And just when they’re map-crumplingly lost, the Kindred show up out of nowhere and flank them and tell ‘em to hand over the guns. Then: a swampy walk into what passes for a rustic, pre-technology town for a nice big dinner. There’s some saying of grace, an old guy coughing, and Scully and Mr. My-Horse’s-Name-Is-Alice making eyes briefly at each other.

The agents ask some questions, and then there’s some weird folksy drama, and then old coughing guy starts choking and they totally cockblock Scully from doctorin’ him up.

Odd folks.
But Scully doesn’t even have a cock.

Back at the Bronze

Sex machine is back in action in dude form, and hand-rubs some blond into dancing. Aaaaand scene!

Fine then, back in the woods

The Kindred give M&S lanterns and point ‘em in the direction of their car.

These Kindred guys are all pushy. “Stay on the path!”
It sounds like the start of a Johnny Cash song.
“It’s a mile / to your car”
“Staaaaaayy / on the path”

They stomp through the rain and Mulder basically calls the Kindred a bunch of dissembling secret-pantses. Also, he thinks they’re over a hundred years old (and don’t look it, neither), on account of some very familiar faces in some reaaallly old photographs he saw in town. Photos which were being reframed.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

Scully’s theory is that they just have sex with each other a lot and hence, you know, resemblance.

Back to Ye Barne

So suspicious are our agents that they double back to the village to see what’s up–

Johnny Cash isn’t gonna be happy about that.

–and find that everyone in town has wandered, muttering and cult-like, into the barn, which is now glowing a creepy red color.

Spookiest hoedown ever.

Mulder and Scully peek through a gap in the wood planks of the barn wall, but a horse starts whinnying! It’s blowing their cover!

Or not?

Anyway, Mulder follows a bunch of the cultists down into the cellar of the barn while Scully hangs out and gets snuck up on by her Amish Sexy Friend.

Come with me. I can give you information.
You betcha, tiger.

“Golly, I hope there’s slime down here!”

Meanwhile, Mulder descends into a…tunnel type place? Which opens on a cave, where there is more culty muttering.

Meanwhiler, Fella leads Scully into a…bedroom type place.

This is going to be bed information, apparently.

It turns out the killer is named Brother Martin.

I called him Marty.
Marty McFly?
More like Marty McSpanishfly.
Because of the sexy pheremone handholding.
The love oil, yes.
This is kind of a weird episode, have you noticed?

Back in the cave, the Kindred are bathing a body in what could reasonably be mistaken for Cream of Wheat.

Back in the Luv Room:

My horse is named Alice.
Take me now!

Cave! a dozen Kindred shove the be-creamowheated corpse into a hole, and leave. Mulder checks it out.

Bedroom! Dude shows off some secret contraband magazine pages he and Marty found back in the day. Marty LIKED the magazines! OMG!

Cave! Mulder is sticking his hands in the cream of wheat, now? And now he’s…pressing on a weird glowing membrane.

Is there anything this man will not touch?

And then when flanked by approaching cultists, he jumps into a random hole in the wall of the cave. And overhears that they know that Scully is in the bedroom with Brother Andrew!

Nice of those two guys to come back down to the cave from opposite directions at the exact same time just to have that brief expository discussion with each other, and then promptly leave again.

Also, there’s that dead body. BUT HE’S NOT DEAD AFTER ALL!

Bedroom: Scully pries into the whole Marty thing, while hunka hunka rustic love starts rubbing sex juice on her hands.

Cave! Mulder, who has snuck back out of the cave, approaches the house and whispers Scully’s name from fifty yards away, because he is an IDIOT.

Bedroom! More hand rubbing, and then some face stroking, and then some kissing and some Scully moanery and wow is it looking like there’s going to be some action here boy howdy–

Boy howdy!

–but then MULDER KICKS THE DOOR IN. They get out of the house, and, boom, thirty cult types staring them down menacingly! And then, uh, letting ‘em leave anyway.

What the hell were you doing back there?
I don’t know.
You don’t know?
[barfing commences]
Scully’s romantic history, in a nutshell.

Yet another goddam nightclub

Retcon engineers, start your engines.

And now Sister Martina is putting the murderous sex moves on yet another mark, who HOLY SHIT THAT’S ALEX KRYCEK.

Who?
Oh right.

In the mean time, Mulder and Scully catch up in the car.

I saw you, about to do the wild thing with some stranger.

Fox’s quaint accusations aside, we also find out that Mulder thinks they go through regenerative sex changes. Which makes…sense?

Oh, and Krycek is making out with Martina in his car when a cop interrupts them. Krycek starts writhing in pain, Martina decks the cop and turns into Martin and runs off, and then: hospital time.

On a scale of one to ten, she was a kind three. But there was something about her.

Nice.

What did you see, Michael?

She looked like a man!

[giggling]

Scully thinks it’s just a dude who crossdresses. How banal.

Martina monologues to YET ANOTHER corpse in a bed, mentioning that “the day will come” and “they won’t leave without me”.

Aliens.
Spartan, old-world aliens.

And then Mulder and Scully kick in the door of the apartment; Scully finds the body; Martina clocks Scully and bolts; and Mulder gives chase. Martina clocks MULDER.

Josh giggles.
Where’s Skinner when you need him?
Who?
Oh, right.

And then we get what was probably a really impressive morph-from-woman-to-man effect in 1993, and Martin proceeds to KICK Mulder in the face for good measure and then bolts again. Scully tags in and following a hot tip from her partner–

Scully, downstairs.

[lays miserably in hallway]

[bleeds from nose]

–gives chase in turn. She ends up out in an alley, where she confronts Martin in his underwear, and she shouts:

Back away!

While we get this visual:

That back is away, alright.

And then, hey, a whole bunch of Kindred show up out of nowhere, including Prince Charming himself, who stares down gun-pointin’ Scully before KNOCKING THE GUN out of her hand and BACKHANDING HER ACROSS THE FACE.

This is an abusive relationship, Dana.

And the Kindred run off and disappear. Literally. Like fading away.

Back to the farm

So everybody heads back up to the village, but nobody is there! And the cellar that Mulder was spelunking? Sealed up at the entrance! But an FBI agent found something in the hay field!

Hay!
They found the missing hay!
Case closed!

And Scully is all like

I don’t understand, how can they just disappear. They have no means of transportation.
No earthly means of transportation…

And what’s that in the hay field? Why, it’s a–

Crop circle.
It’s not a very good crop circle, though. It’s a crap circle.
Okay, so, they’re going to excavate that crazy cave, right?
What with the magical healing whatever the heck was down there?
To save people’s lives and stuff.
Surely this will be adequately addressed in a future episode.
Surely.

19 Comments »

  1. Nina Said,

    January 16, 2009 @ 11:15 am

    OMG, my heart sings every time a new MBA episode is posted. And then I laugh, a lot. Keep it up, guys.

  2. Ashley Said,

    January 16, 2009 @ 12:11 pm

    So happy right now, boy howdy!

  3. Calraigh Said,

    January 17, 2009 @ 3:03 pm

    ” My horse is named Alice.”

    ‘Take me now!”

    Gets me every time.

    Also, observation re: Mulder wanting to bone everything in a 10-mile radius in the beginning? Spot-freaking-on.
    If we knew then what we know now…but..we kinda did.I suppose.
    Wait, what?

  4. Shalora Said,

    January 18, 2009 @ 12:05 am

    “Is it bad to make Buffy references?
    Oh, because this is–
    –completely The Bronze.”

    Thank you! I’m /not/ the only one!

    Seriously, freaked out my cats. Because of the laughing. You guys are the greatest.

  5. Chel Said,

    January 18, 2009 @ 1:24 am

    Oh, I’ve missed this. Nothing like grand spoofery and humor…(ey.) Keep up the great work, you crazy kids.

  6. Suze Said,

    January 19, 2009 @ 11:49 pm

    -HOLY SHIT THAT’S ALEX KRYCEK!
    …who?

    :D

    I’ve decided to start keeping a running list of Yucky Stuff That Mulder Inexplicably Chooses To Stick His Hands In. ‘Cream of Wheat’ is definitely a better descriptor than I would have thought of for that Regenerative Pseudo-Amish Crap.

    Thanks for another great post!

  7. Heather Said,

    January 20, 2009 @ 3:01 pm

    I’m so glad you posted again! Besides that, I’m super happy that someone finally gave the horoscope machine its due; so many times it was over-looked.

    This is Truckin’ awesome!

  8. That's what she Said,

    January 22, 2009 @ 7:55 pm

    Is it bad that I laughed about Mulder descending into a cavern?

  9. Esmeralda Said,

    January 27, 2009 @ 5:41 pm

    Fuckin a.

    I don’t even know what else to say.
    This is better than the actual show- by leaps and bounds.

    This was a brilliant idea, and is being executed so goddamned well.
    I love both of you.

  10. Beau Said,

    January 28, 2009 @ 7:21 am

    So gggoooooddddddd…

    update please please please

    your site lifts up my mood every time. thanks. :D

  11. Lisa Said,

    February 1, 2009 @ 3:03 pm

    Just come across your site. Love it!
    Bloody Hilarious

  12. Beau Said,

    February 2, 2009 @ 11:57 am

    I wonder if anyone here has news about a third xfiles movie. DAMN. i hope they make another one. and it would be great if you could post something about I Want to believe. Sorry, I don’t mean to be demanding but I really enjoy your site. :D

  13. Maddie Cakes Said,

    February 3, 2009 @ 8:01 pm

    LOL @ cream of wheat. You guys are hysterical. Cant wait for the next episode!

  14. Chel Said,

    February 9, 2009 @ 11:36 pm

    Thought I’d make like the rest and implore you (as if it would magically erase your busy lives) — UPDATE, PLZ? I’m dyin’ over here! Hahaha.

  15. Calraigh Said,

    February 16, 2009 @ 5:14 pm

    Guys, you alive out there? Hello?

    Helloooooooooooooo?

  16. Heather Said,

    February 17, 2009 @ 9:26 pm

    Is it something we said? Is that why you’ve vanished without a trace? Or maybe it’s an X-File in and of itself!

    We realize you have real jobs, but Lord knows this is far more entertaining and fun. Please come back to us!

  17. deborah Said,

    March 2, 2009 @ 2:04 am

    HOLY SHIT THAT’S ALEX KRYCEK

    That’s what I said!

    And there’s a Steveston here in BC which is where ..dun dun DUN.. they filmed parts of this episode. There’s an old cannery in Steveston that was gonna be torn down, but got turned into a museum instead, yay!
    (http://www.britishcolumbia.com/regions/towns/?townID=3919)

  18. Dawn Said,

    December 8, 2010 @ 10:12 pm

    :D
    Oh! A case they actually solved! They found the missing hay!
    You guys are ruddy brilliant.
    Awesome.

  19. Parenting articles Said,

    August 30, 2011 @ 10:02 am

    I am happy that I observed this web site, precisely the right information that I was searching for! .

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