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Stir crazy in Alaska
We’re in beautiful Icy Cape, Alaska, where there’s a bunch of dead people and a SHIRTLESS dude with a gun.
Beefcake sets his guns down and turns on a video camera and gives a little speech about how “We’re. Not. Who. We. Are.” but then some dude jumps him and there’s some brawling and then they’re pointing guns RIGHT IN EACH OTHERS’ FACES!!!!!11!!1!
But instead of shooting each other in the face, they breath heavily for a minute at each other and then wordlessly agree to each shoot themSELVES in the head. Aww.
Mulder trades out his traditional slideshow act for a futuristic VHS tape, filling Scully in on the backstory on this team of Arctic core-sample scientist guys. Everything was great a week ago, and then suddenly, bam, WE’RE NOT WHO WE ARE and all that.
Moral of this story: the X-Files is GOIN’ TO ALASKA!
Alaska Force Assemble: Lock and Load.
Mulder and Scully fly into Nome and meet up with Professor Murphy (Annoying Kooky Guy), Dr. DeSilva (Standoffish Intellectual Guy) and Dr. Hodge (Reluctant Blond Lady). DeSilva asks to see everyone’s ID, because, uh, it’s weird?
And then Ozzy Osbourne shows up.
Ozzy (he is not who he is) is pretending to be a pilot named Bear (Aggressive Loner Guy). He flies them up to the research station in an eentsy-weentsy little plane, where they promptly find dead folks.
Then Scully pulls out a big camera and delights viewers everywhere by saying:
And then a dog attacks Mulder; Bear tries to help out and gets chewed on; DeSilva rapidly preps and delivers a tranquilizer shot to the dog; Scully finds some–
–in the dog’s armpit and some freaky goddam thing moving around under the dog’s skin. Yikes.
Cut to Bear, in the bathroom, who ALSO HAS BLACK NODULES.
Dr. Scully, MD
Scully does some body examinification and declares that the geophysicists definitely killed each other, which I guess rules out a ROVING ALASKAN STREET GANG. Mulder finds a printout with our new favorite catchphrase on it:
The scientists wonk out — some posits are posited, including the fact that there’s some sort of small organism swimming around in the goddam ICE CORE — as Bear stands by listening in and getting increasingly agitated. He says, let’s bail, DeSilva agrees, but then Mulder gets all “oh no you didn’t– quarantine!” and Scully backs him up:
And then Bear breaks a jar over Mulder’s head.
Much tussling ensues.
And then they hold Bear down and PULL SOMETHING HORRIBLE out of Bear’s neck.
Mulder calls back into Doolittle airport in Nome, and finds out that thanks to a storm, they’re stuck there unless Bear can fly them out pronto.
EXCEPT THAT BEAR IS DEAD. :(
No really, wha happen?
Apparently the worm hangs out in a victim’s hypothalamus and makes people all violent and crazy and shit.
And then Mulder makes a “let’s not kill it in case it’s a neato alien lifeform” pitch, and Scully calls him a nut, and we get treated to a nice full-fledged argument between our agents in the background while the guest stars have some nice paranoid conversation in the foreground, and then everybody sort of snarks at each other for a while until DeSilva suggests that everyone get naked…
…so that they can check for black nodules.
Which sets up a shrinkage joke:
Everybody checks out, apparently, as spotless. Though as they all head to bed–
–Mulder points out that the spots on the dog went away, too.
Scully blocks her door and sits against the wall; Murphy listens intensely to a football game; DeSilva makes a LIST OF SUSPECTS (“everybody but me”); blond lady weeps gently; and Mulder just takes his shirt off again.
And then he WAKES WITH A START! There’s a noise! He puts his shirt back ON, and grabs his gun and goes to check it out.
Murphy’s missing from his room! Mulder almost shoots the dog! Then he finds blood dripping from a freezer cabinet, and opens it up, and DEAD MURPHY falls on him when he opens the door from below in a ridiculously awkward way.
And that’s when everybody bursts in on Mulder and Dead Murphy. And then there’s paranoid shouting and Mulder points his gun at like all three of them and DeSilva grabs a crowbar and then Scully points HER gun at MULDER and he points HIS at HER and there is MORE YELLING.
So they lock him in a storage closet. When questioned about the unfairness of her having a gun, Scully pulls the clips out of her and Mulder’s guns and chucks ‘em into the snow. And then: more paranoid arguing.
And now: even more arguing. And then Scully makes a chance discovery: two different worm parasite thingies actually FIGHT AND KILL EACH OTHER.
So they test this out on the dog, by sticking the worm in the dog’s EAR–
–which is kind of gross enough that we’re not even doing a screenshot.
And the dog makes some dreaming-about-chasing-rabbits whining and leg-kicking, and then is TOTALLY OKAY! Yay! So Scully goes to talk to Mulder and explain the whole one plus one equals zero thing. There is intense whispering:
And then Scully turns to leave, and Mulder grabs her and inspects HER back and maybe gives her a little bit of a neckrub or whatever. Clean! So, it must be DeSilva or Blond Lady.
And then there’s like yet another GRRR ARG standoff for a minute but then they’re all like “okay let’s go back to the other building and examine each other again” but then DeSilva and Nancy grab Mulder and Scully (respectively) and Nancy tosses Scully into the locker that they just let MULDER out of.
And then there’s a drill-bit slamming, agent-punching, floor-pounding, syringe-preparing tussle, and Nancy is JUST ABOUT to drop the worm in Mulder’s ear when DeSilva sees the parasite in Nancy’s neck.
Meanwhile, Scully continues to pound on the door with that drill bit.
The jig being officially, up, Nancy bolts and starts screaming and wrecking the lab.
Then there’s some MORE wrestling; DeSilva worms Nancy; Nancy grunts a bunch; and Scully RUBS HER BELLY comfortingly.
Quarantine for Nancy; our agents and DeSilva are all cleared to go home. But Mulder doesn’t wanna:
Except that the government torched the place as soon as they left.