Ice Lice Splice Nice (Twice) (For a Price)

1×07 Ice

Episode summary:
Our heroes go on assignment Alaska, to investigate some violent trouble at a remote ice-core research facility. They, and their civilian scientific cohort, get stranded after a dog attack infects and ultimately kills their pilot. Paranoia and shouting and a certain amount of death ensues, before a chance discovery helps the agents neutralize the ancient, ice-dwelling parasitic threat. Also, everybody gets naked.

Stir crazy in Alaska

We’re in beautiful Icy Cape, Alaska, where there’s a bunch of dead people and a SHIRTLESS dude with a gun.

Two guns.
Is that a joke about muscles?
What?
Like, he’s got free tickets to the GUN SHOW?
No, he has two guns in his hands.


Beefcake sets his guns down and turns on a video camera and gives a little speech about how “We’re. Not. Who. We. Are.” but then some dude jumps him and there’s some brawling and then they’re pointing guns RIGHT IN EACH OTHERS’ FACES!!!!!11!!1!

Mulder has dozens of video tapes like this.

But instead of shooting each other in the face, they breath heavily for a minute at each other and then wordlessly agree to each shoot themSELVES in the head. Aww.

It’s like The Gift of the Magi except with exit wounds.

Wha happen!

Mulder trades out his traditional slideshow act for a futuristic VHS tape, filling Scully in on the backstory on this team of Arctic core-sample scientist guys. Everything was great a week ago, and then suddenly, bam, WE’RE NOT WHO WE ARE and all that.

Visit scenic Point Lay!

Moral of this story: the X-Files is GOIN’ TO ALASKA!

Alaska Force Assemble: Lock and Load.

Mulder and Scully fly into Nome and meet up with Professor Murphy (Annoying Kooky Guy), Dr. DeSilva (Standoffish Intellectual Guy) and Dr. Hodge (Reluctant Blond Lady). DeSilva asks to see everyone’s ID, because, uh, it’s weird?

And then Ozzy Osbourne shows up.

Josh spelled Ozzy wrong here because he is a doofus.

Ozzy (he is not who he is) is pretending to be a pilot named Bear (Aggressive Loner Guy). He flies them up to the research station in an eentsy-weentsy little plane, where they promptly find dead folks.

Before we touch anything, we need to thoroughly document the scene.
“Agent’s notes: it’s really dark in here, and there’s a dead guy with no shirt on.”
“My nose itches.”
“Possibility that aliens are responsible for itchy nose.”
“Wondering what’s for lunch.”

Then Scully pulls out a big camera and delights viewers everywhere by saying:

Flashing!
Man, I WISH.
She’d get frostbite.
Bite, more like “nip”.

And then a dog attacks Mulder; Bear tries to help out and gets chewed on; DeSilva rapidly preps and delivers a tranquilizer shot to the dog; Scully finds some–

–black nodules–

–in the dog’s armpit and some freaky goddam thing moving around under the dog’s skin. Yikes.

Cut to Bear, in the bathroom, who ALSO HAS BLACK NODULES.

Well, shit.

Dr. Scully, MD

Scully does some body examinification and declares that the geophysicists definitely killed each other, which I guess rules out a ROVING ALASKAN STREET GANG. Mulder finds a printout with our new favorite catchphrase on it:

Worst shopping list ever

The scientists wonk out — some posits are posited, including the fact that there’s some sort of small organism swimming around in the goddam ICE CORE — as Bear stands by listening in and getting increasingly agitated. He says, let’s bail, DeSilva agrees, but then Mulder gets all “oh no you didn’t– quarantine!” and Scully backs him up:

Hey, look, there’s only one way to proceed. A doctor eliminates every possibility. We must determine if any of us is infected.
There’s been a murder…on the ORIENT EXPRESS!
Scully did just pretty much describe the remaining 28 minutes of the episode, there.

And then Bear breaks a jar over Mulder’s head.

“Hey, Mulder, you ever read THE BELL JAR?!”

Much tussling ensues.

And then they hold Bear down and PULL SOMETHING HORRIBLE out of Bear’s neck.

Mulder calls back into Doolittle airport in Nome, and finds out that thanks to a storm, they’re stuck there unless Bear can fly them out pronto.

EXCEPT THAT BEAR IS DEAD. :(

No really, wha happen?

Apparently the worm hangs out in a victim’s hypothalamus and makes people all violent and crazy and shit.

Oh, right, then, ok, that’s cool.

And then Mulder makes a “let’s not kill it in case it’s a neato alien lifeform” pitch, and Scully calls him a nut, and we get treated to a nice full-fledged argument between our agents in the background while the guest stars have some nice paranoid conversation in the foreground, and then everybody sort of snarks at each other for a while until DeSilva suggests that everyone get naked…

…so that they can check for black nodules.

Which sets up a shrinkage joke:

Before anyone passes judgement, may I remind you: we ARE in the Arctic.
Why is this funny? Is this funny like getting hit in the crotch? I don’t get that either.
Mulder believes he is being monitored at all times by America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Dudes: getting ready for a swordfight.

Ladies: no comment necessary.

Everybody checks out, apparently, as spotless. Though as they all head to bed–

They all seem to know which room they’re going to.
Huh.

–Mulder points out that the spots on the dog went away, too.

Hey, we may die! Sleep tight, Scully!

High class accommodations

Scully blocks her door and sits against the wall; Murphy listens intensely to a football game; DeSilva makes a LIST OF SUSPECTS (“everybody but me”); blond lady weeps gently; and Mulder just takes his shirt off again.

He’s consistent, you gotta give him that.

And then he WAKES WITH A START! There’s a noise! He puts his shirt back ON, and grabs his gun and goes to check it out.

Everything went to red lights after they went to bed.
This is the lab’s “Das Boot” shift.

Murphy’s missing from his room! Mulder almost shoots the dog! Then he finds blood dripping from a freezer cabinet, and opens it up, and DEAD MURPHY falls on him when he opens the door from below in a ridiculously awkward way.

Maybe he’s just sleeping.

And that’s when everybody bursts in on Mulder and Dead Murphy. And then there’s paranoid shouting and Mulder points his gun at like all three of them and DeSilva grabs a crowbar and then Scully points HER gun at MULDER and he points HIS at HER and there is MORE YELLING.

This is very intense and stuff.
Mulder, you may not be who you are!
[declines to shoot partner and costar]

So they lock him in a storage closet. When questioned about the unfairness of her having a gun, Scully pulls the clips out of her and Mulder’s guns and chucks ‘em into the snow. And then: more paranoid arguing.

If Mulder’s infected, it’s not his fault!
Well, it COULD be his fault.
Maybe he was, you know, drinkin’ blood.
Count Foxula.

And now: even more arguing. And then Scully makes a chance discovery: two different worm parasite thingies actually FIGHT AND KILL EACH OTHER.

Two worms enter!
No worms leave!

So they test this out on the dog, by sticking the worm in the dog’s EAR–

Chekov, nooooo!

–which is kind of gross enough that we’re not even doing a screenshot.

PSYCHE
KHAAAAAAAAAAN!

And the dog makes some dreaming-about-chasing-rabbits whining and leg-kicking, and then is TOTALLY OKAY! Yay! So Scully goes to talk to Mulder and explain the whole one plus one equals zero thing. There is intense whispering:

If that’s true, then why didn’t you let us inspect you?
I would have, but you PULLED A GUN ON ME. Now I don’t trust them. I WANT to trust you.
But, but, trust no one!
Spoiler alert!
I guess maybe he doesn’t know that yet.
Okay. But now they’re not here.
[presents manly back to Scully for "inspection"]

And then Scully turns to leave, and Mulder grabs her and inspects HER back and maybe gives her a little bit of a neckrub or whatever. Clean! So, it must be DeSilva or Blond Lady.

I accidentally typed “bland” there at first.
Freudian lol.

Scully’s least flattering screenshot to date

And then there’s like yet another GRRR ARG standoff for a minute but then they’re all like “okay let’s go back to the other building and examine each other again” but then DeSilva and Nancy grab Mulder and Scully (respectively) and Nancy tosses Scully into the locker that they just let MULDER out of.

Oh for Pete’s sake.

And then there’s a drill-bit slamming, agent-punching, floor-pounding, syringe-preparing tussle, and Nancy is JUST ABOUT to drop the worm in Mulder’s ear when DeSilva sees the parasite in Nancy’s neck.

Meanwhile, Scully continues to pound on the door with that drill bit.

Scully shows Mulder her +2 Bit of Pounding

The jig being officially, up, Nancy bolts and starts screaming and wrecking the lab.

How annoying.
Hey, Nancy, I think there’s a piece of scenery over there that you haven’t chewed on yet.

Then there’s some MORE wrestling; DeSilva worms Nancy; Nancy grunts a bunch; and Scully RUBS HER BELLY comfortingly.

Denouement

Quarantine for Nancy; our agents and DeSilva are all cleared to go home. But Mulder doesn’t wanna:

I’m going back to the site. This time I’m going fully prepared with proper equipment. There’s still a lot of research to be done, on the genetic structure, on its origins–

Except that the government torched the place as soon as they left.

TAKE THAT, OBSESSIVE PROTAGONIST!

25 Comments »

  1. Beth Said,

    June 30, 2008 @ 10:41 pm

    I don’t have any specific comments except that I heart this blog! Oh and that screen capture with Felicity Huffman and GA is crazy funny and weird. Ha, I love how Scully is dressed in signature early nineties flannel.

  2. George Hale Said,

    July 1, 2008 @ 7:31 am

    I’ve been reading since the beginning; it’s a laugh riot. But you got Hodge and DaSilva mixed up. Hodge is Xander Berkeley’s character, and DaSilva is Felicity Huffman’s. Other than that, great stuff!

  3. The Proprietors Said,

    July 1, 2008 @ 7:56 am

    [Josh] Oh man, that’s…man. My bad. I’ll amend the writeup.

    Between that and the Ozzie thing, I’m just all about the epic fail.

  4. Esmeralda Said,

    July 1, 2008 @ 5:52 pm

    You guys consistantly rock my world.

    Best. Blog. EVAR.

    <3

  5. It's Raining Florence Henderson Said,

    July 1, 2008 @ 8:17 pm

    Is that a worm in yourear or are you just happy to see me?

  6. The Proprietors Said,

    July 1, 2008 @ 8:17 pm

    yourear

    [Josh] I cannot believe that was an accident.

  7. Chel Said,

    July 1, 2008 @ 10:05 pm

    1. I like Mulder’s “consistent” plan. Very, very much.

    2. Count Foxula? Like Count Chocula? Hey, I’d eat it.

    3. *giggling over “Khan” bit*

    4. Ahh, the infamous closet/neck!sex scene. *sigh* I knew there was a reason I loved this episode.

    5. You guys/this blog rock(s). I probably don’t need to tell you this.

  8. It's Raining Florence Henderson Said,

    July 2, 2008 @ 7:34 am

    [Josh] I cannot believe that was an accident.

    It wasn’t. Yes – I’m exactly that juvenile.

  9. Bee Said,

    July 2, 2008 @ 3:17 pm

    My only complaint is that you guys don’t post enough! Keep them coming, this is hilarious!!! : )

  10. the bridge on the river kai ryssdal Said,

    July 2, 2008 @ 5:22 pm

    If this is the X-Files’ obligatory John Carpenter’s The Thing episode, does that make “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space” the less-than-obligatory In the Mouth of Madness episode and, uh, “Die Hand Die Verletzt” the even-less-so Prince of Darkness episode?

  11. the bridge on the river kai ryssdal Said,

    July 2, 2008 @ 5:25 pm

    Plus you guys, guess what is the very next episode?

    I am (honestly!) really excited to see you guys do “Space”.

  12. Calraigh Said,

    July 3, 2008 @ 6:19 pm

    Oh my god.

    ” Two worms enter! No worms leave! ” has to be the best synopsis ( and sentence) I’ve ever read.

    I also forgot how weird it was that Scully decides to rub Da Silva’s belly after major weirdo worm-out freakout. Belly rubs and tea, they make everything better.

    Like Bee ( are you, like, that bee btw?) my only complaint is that you don’t blog regularly enough. I’m addicted and go into instant withdrawal after every entry.
    Keep ‘em comin!
    You’re full of win!

  13. The Proprietors Said,

    July 3, 2008 @ 6:43 pm

    [Josh] Man, I’d like it if we were updating more often too. It’s a lot of fun putting this thing together. It’s just finding the time that makes it tricky. :)

  14. Maxwelton Said,

    July 3, 2008 @ 9:52 pm

    So, am I allowed to think that Scully/Nancy screen capture is kinda hot? No? Then I definitely don’t. Not at all.

    Mrs. Maxwelton has been watching the series again on our complete box set but I’m just reading this blog instead. We’ll see who comes out better informed.

  15. Izzie Said,

    July 7, 2008 @ 1:46 pm

    I now rank all X-Files episodes on how funny the commentary will be on this blog. I have high hopes for Gender Bender (Amish gender-shifter macks on Scully!) and Dod Kalm (Senior Citizen Mulder and Scully!)…Essentially, the more “B-movie” the episode, the more excited I am for it to appear here.

  16. Heather Said,

    July 7, 2008 @ 10:20 pm

    Loved the “Trust no one” spoiler remark. I just got a flash to the future when Diana Fowley enters on the scene and tries to screw them over. That’s going to be some great stuff.

    Also, a question, although it may be quite premature: Are you planning on blogging the movie(s) (’cause the new one will probably be out on DVD by the time you come to it.) I know it will be A LOT of work, but I promise to make sure that everyone I come into contact with knows about this site so that your genius can be appreciated and revered by everyone!

  17. Lemmy Said,

    July 9, 2008 @ 8:25 pm

    It’s like The Gift of the Magi except with exit wounds.

    I can’t quit laughing.

    I love these so much and can’t wait for you to get to the William Gibson eps.

  18. Calraigh Said,

    July 11, 2008 @ 3:47 am

    On the day that the first major spoilers were posted online, I’d just like to say,

    ”TWO WORMS ENTER! NO WORMS LEAVE!” is my new favourite thing to say. Even to people I don’t actually know.
    Hence the lack of a social life in the last week..;0

  19. Monday Said,

    July 11, 2008 @ 5:43 am

    Guys, you`re rock! I can’t quit laughing.
    “Hey, we may die! Sleep tight, Scully!” – this one is my fav.
    LOL

  20. Ashley Said,

    July 12, 2008 @ 7:40 pm

    You guys! When are you going to post the next episode?! Everytime I see this blog in my reader I get sad to learn it hasn’t been updated.

  21. The Proprietors Said,

    July 12, 2008 @ 7:50 pm

    [Angela] Arg Blarg Snarg working on it now, don’t cry! Interestingly enough, we are also on an investigative assignment to Alaska next week. Today has been all about packing and cleaning.

  22. The Proprietors Said,

    July 12, 2008 @ 8:46 pm

    [Josh] What she means is packing heat and cleaning guns.

    Hey, look, a new post!

  23. gosh Said,

    August 1, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

    I love the bit when they are showing their IDs and Mulder looks over Scully’s shoulder at her ID and says “that’s you”. Great episode, great re-cap.

  24. Nina Said,

    December 1, 2008 @ 9:54 pm

    EXCELLENT! ONE OF YOUR BEST! I especially liked the Bell Jar crack. :P

  25. That's what she Said,

    December 28, 2008 @ 8:30 pm

    The closet inspection scene was the hottest thing thus far on the show…maybe ever.

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