Bile Always Love You (season one, episode two)

“Squeeze” – 1×02

Episode summary:
Agent Tom Colton, an old friend of Scully’s, asks her and Mulder for help on a serial murder case where the victims have had their livers removed, manually. Mulder’s reputation, and his theories, fuel a clash with Colton’s team, including a disagreement over the culpability of suspect Eugene Tooms, a 100-year-old mutant capable of squeezing into small places.

Opening scene

There’s a man with a suitcase!

Hold on, it’s a man with a suitcase!
And then a shot of a gutter!
Man with suitcase!
Eyes in the gutter!

A man with a suitcase, near a gutter.
This guy with the suitcase looks full of bile. You can tell by his tie.
I think you’re overanalyzing this.
He’s an alien under those clothes.

And now an elevator door opens — but there’s no car! Just…cables! And scary music! This scene has kind of a classic modern horror movie look to it.

Cut to: suitcase guy at his desk, leaving his wife a message and playing with a snowglobe.

We see a closeup of an airvent. A screw is being loosened — from the inside!

It’s got a screw loose!

Fingers coming out of the vent! Then: suitcase man heading back to his office with some coffee. Then: totally screaming and dead! Blood dripping on carpet! No, wait, that’s coffee.

It’s red, though.
That’s some funny-colored coffee he got out of that machine.
They keep wine in the coffee maker, maybe.

Blood-spattered paperwork! And the vent closes itself back up, and THE SCREW RESCREWS ITSELF!


Nobody would think you came out of the vent in the first place.
So screwing it back in like that is pretty meticulous.
That’s the kind of dedication I like to see in a mutant.

Lunchtime with Donal “Grounded For Life” Logue

Scully and Colton, near a gutter Jenny Agutter eating lunch.

Scully catches up with an old FBI pal named Tom Colton. He’s climbing the ladder; she’s “working with Spooky Mulder”. His words. He asks her for help with a strange case.

Each victim was found with their liver ripped out. No cutting tools used.
Definitely suicides.

Scully fills Mulder in on the details, and admits that there’s some anti-Spooky sentiment from the folks working the case.

The hair continues to evolve.
Do you think I’m spooky?
[polite silence, looks away]

Vocabulary word from Mulder:

So there’s a real dick-measuring thing going on between Mulder and this Colton guy. And then Mulder picks up an inch or two by finding some metal scrapings on the ground and checking out the air vent — THE SAME VENT WE SAW EARLIER!

And there’s…a ridiculously stretched out fingerprint! Consistent (according to Mulder’s encyclopedic knowledge of the X-Files) with some old unsolved murders from thirty and sixty years ago!

Five murders, every thirty years! Two more to go this year!

It’s liver time!

Scully’s theory: the liver is symbolic. It’s an obsessive-compulsive thing from some nut. She presents this theory to Colton’s group; they invite her along for a stakeout, and totally make evil chuckle ha ha fun of Mulder and the X-Files in the process.

Stakeouts and sunflower seeds

Scully checks in over the radio from her car in the basement parking lot. Then she hears a noise, gets out, pulls her gun! And nearly shoots Mulder in the chest! Mulder makes a joke about this.

Ha ha ha, you almost killed me!
Mulder, you are jeopardizing my stakeout.
Sunflower seeds, that is.

A guy comes out of a ventilation shaft! Mulder grudgingly notes that Scully seems to have been right about this whole perp-returning-to-the-scene theory.


His name is Eugene Victor Tooms. He’s taking an expository polygraph! He says he didn’t do it.

Totally innocent.

Also: Scully has switched to a French Twist, now:

Hair = fun.

Also, his alibi sort of, kind of checks out, except for the part where he lied about not being 100 years old or being at Powhatten Mill. Which nobody cares about except Mulder, of course.

Mulder is sad when people call him insane when he’s sitting right there.
He’s not insane. He’s an okay guy.
Hey, check out this poster:


Scully and Mulder wander through the FBI hallways. Near the stairs, Scully confronts Mulder on his interactions with Colton’s team.

It seems like you were acting very territorial.

[physically grabs Scully's necklace]

Of course I was.

And, uh, still are.
In our investigations, you may not always agree with me, but at least you respect the journey.

Even though his theories are insane and also always correct.

And now Mulder is just carrying around sunflower seeds everywhere he goes. Maybe he figures it prevents him from getting shot.

Later, in suburbia…

Crazy yellow-eyed Eugene stalks some middle-aged dude. (Yellow Eyes = liver huntin’.) He scales the brick exterior of the house!

I think he’s wearing a supplemental butt.
I–there is sort of a bubble there.
Stunt padding, maybe?
Maybe that’s where he keeps his livers.

Sometimes, your butt needs a little help.



And then a murder is implied.

Later, at the scene

Look, Dana, whose side are you on?
The victim’s.
Oh snap!

Scully has been just plowing through the suits this episode: teal at the beginning, then sort of a light greyish/bluish thing, then black, then a super-dark green? And then I guess that greyish one again and now, completely out of left field, uh, russet?

Would you like to read my suit diary?

And now, an exciting microfilm montage. And then…

A visit with Grampa Sheriff

sheriff more like chair-iff

The cop who found the old Powhatten Mill crime scene tells the agents what he saw back then. Compares it to nazi death camps. Kind of starts blabbering about evil.

This is just crazy talk. Tooms is just some guy who eats livers.
You get the feeling this old guy doesn’t get out much.
“Evil birthing supreme evil!”

The old guy busts out a picture of Tooms from thirty years ago. HE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME. And then there’s a nice fade from a black and white picture of his old apartment to a live color shot of it in present day. Good job, production guys.

Mulder and Scully drive up and explore. They find a bunch of knicknacks stolen from de-livered victims…AND A CREEPY HOLE IN THE WALL.

It’s like something out of Aliens.
This is a nest.
Oh my god, Mulder it smells like — I think it’s bile.

Mulder is the kind of guy who isn’t afraid to stick his fingers in gross substances and then regret it immediately.

This is really a Kleenex advertisement.

Mulder’s crazy (i.e. ‘correct’) theory is that Tooms hibernates thirty years at a stretch in his bile nest.

We need a surveillance team–
–to watch our bile.

And then, on the way out, Tooms (who was there THE WHOLE TIME) reaches down from the ceiling (!) and steals Scully’s necklace!

Ceiling Tooms is watching you investigate!


Cut to: random jackass FBI surveilance guys who call Mulder “Spooky” and chuckle.

These guys are very goon-y.
When we first had lunch I really looked forward to working with you. You were a good agent. But now after Mulder I couldn’t have you far enough away. Don’t bother going down there, I had the stakeout called off.
You can’t do that.
Unless you’re a great big dick.

Tom Colton is a great big dick.

Now we’re at Scully’s house. Tooms, staring! Oh no!

Eugene Tooms, man of vision.

Scully leaves Mulder a message — not realizing he doesn’t know the stakeout was called off and so is out looking for HER — and runs herself a bath.

Gonna take a bath!
Gonna take a bath!
Gonna take a bath, gonna die die die!

But just as she’s opening some bubble bath bubble stuff, bile–


–drips on her hand! Tooms is in the house! She’s got her gun out! He jumps her! She clocks him in the face! He overpowers her anyway, and gets ready to to RIP HER LIVER OUT OF HER BARED MIDRIFF!


You alright?
[breathes heavily]
He’s not gonna get his quota this year.
Oh snap!


Cut to: old man sheriff reading about Tooms’ arrest.

Tears of…relief? Aww.

And then, Tooms in a cell, starting to build a new bile-and-newspaper nest. After some closing chatter from our agents, we finish up on a lingering shot of a grinning Tooms staring at the too-small-for-an-ordinary-man-to-fit-through food-delivery slit on his cell door.



  1. Alison Said,

    May 13, 2008 @ 6:49 am

    I read somewhere that David Duchovny ate all those sunflower seeds in the first few seasons because he was nervous and didn’t know what else to do with his hands. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but his acting was pretty wooden back then (back then?), so I guess it makes sense.

  2. Sasshat Said,

    May 13, 2008 @ 6:13 pm

    I like this new venture. It provided me with many lols. I like when the little cortex head pops up and yells O SNAP. I don’t like that underneath my email it asks me for my URI. Because Uri Geller has nothing to do with this. Doug Hutchinson always plays a bad guy, but I’m pretty sure that’s just his lovin’ god given all Amurrrican booty. Yessss.

  3. a a Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 2:49 am

    ZOMG…this site has the potential to be the best site ever. I’m gonna go out and buy the series, and watch each episode along with u guys.

    Actually…if u guys watch episodes at a certain time each week…tell me when…i’ll do the same. Then my comments can be worthwhile, and won’t include “ZOMG”


    ps. AWESOME.

  4. Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 1:17 pm

    Mulder’s Big Adventure, aka Chris Carter presents: The Pointing-At-Each-Other Files, aka OMG ITS ALIENS…

    Mulder's Big Adventure is an exercise in awesomeness by Metafilter members Secretariat and Cortex…

  5. Dave Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 1:58 pm

    Great stuff. Also, I think Tooms’s ass-bubble is probably due to some type of sub-pant safety harness.

  6. The Proprietors Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 2:02 pm

    Oh, huh. Harness belt distorting actual-butt flesh, rather than extra padding. That makes a crazy kind of sense, Dave.

  7. Little Green Woman Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 3:02 pm

    This blog is made of WIN. Particular props for clocking the amazing Dweeb Weed poster.

  8. Ubermonkey Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 6:42 pm

    I think your last proposition may be incorrect. In fact, I think he just escaped.

  9. The Proprietors Said,

    May 14, 2008 @ 6:58 pm

    Indeed, Ubermonkey. In fact, I was eagerly poised to come paste that here myself. Hold on to your livers.

  10. tzikeh Said,

    May 15, 2008 @ 12:06 am

    Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I — oh, hell. You had me at the Jenny Agutter joke. Because seriously… you made a JENNY AGUTTER JOKE.


    Besides, “You had me at ‘Jenny Agutter’” is way cooler than “You had me at ‘hello’.”

    (I suppose adding you to my rss feeds is the cyber equivalent of subscribing to your newsletter.)


  11. maxwelton Said,

    May 15, 2008 @ 3:47 am

    My wife and I met because we both belonged to a Scully admirer’s email list. True story. I have a signed photo of Gillian Anderson in my front hall.

    In other words: baby!

  12. The Proprietors Said,

    May 15, 2008 @ 6:32 am

    [Josh] I <3 Jenny Agutter. So much so that Angela suggested that joke, despite not caring one way or the other about Jenny Agutter, on the strength of having heard the name enough from me that it just kind of came out of her mouth.

    And maxwelton, I think we need a photo of you and that photo.

  13. sarah Said,

    May 15, 2008 @ 8:47 am

    so excited about this blog.

    currently going through the box set for the second time myself.


  14. Amy Said,

    May 15, 2008 @ 9:56 am

    Oh goodness, I am enoying these entries. I have just started rewatching the series and have realized it is not nearly as scary as it was when I was a teenager and watching them for the first time.

  15. Chel Said,

    May 21, 2008 @ 12:58 pm

    “Even though his theories are insane and also always correct.”

    And she always doubts. Gotta love the formula.

    *chimes in* Hey…I like Grandpa Sheriff…

    “Tom Colton is a great big dick.” Ahhh yes, the comment everyone thinks (or if you’re me, makes to the television–talk about not getting out much) when watching this.

    And, in regard to Alison’s comment: David actually hates sunflower seeds. It was just some weird story add-in. Yes, only a true geek like me would know this XD

  16. Lauren Said,

    May 22, 2008 @ 2:14 pm


    And people wonder why so many kids are traumatized by the very concept of the guy..

  17. Elsa Said,

    May 25, 2008 @ 1:49 pm

    Oddly enough, I watched this episode just last week, giving a play-by-play commentary to The Fella as he lolled in the other room.

    I find the butt-harness hypothesis dubious (though undoubtedly fun to say: “butt-harness hypothesis!”), if only because Tooms’ butt is remarkably shapely even in his first appearance: when he climbs backwards out of that parking-garage vent. I’m tempted to rent it again and check, but I do vividly remember calling out “It’s Tooms — you should see his bum!” You don’t forget a thing like that.

  18. Tom Said,

    June 8, 2008 @ 4:44 pm

    All of us are in Agutter, but some of us are looking at Tooms’ arse.

  19. Ashley Said,

    June 11, 2008 @ 7:15 pm

    Thank you, thank you, for these commentaries. I’m in the middle of my rewatch right now in prep for the movie, and this has made me even more excited for it. Keep up the funny!

  20. LOLcat Said,

    June 17, 2008 @ 12:54 am

    “Ceiling Tooms is watching you investigate!”

    Funny bloggers are funny!

  21. calraigh Said,

    June 18, 2008 @ 2:51 pm

    Tom, my sides, MY SIDES!!

    I love this blog. It’s my new favourite thing in the world. Sigh.

  22. That's what she Said,

    June 19, 2008 @ 1:11 pm

    This is great and helping me waste time. This disc (disc 1) is the only one missing from my collection (stupid selfish boys). Ceiling Tooms is watching you investigate is the funniest thing ever.

  23. citroncrazy Said,

    July 14, 2008 @ 11:40 am

    Chris Carter loves sunflower seeds. and what Chris loves, he’ll get it in his show… Harsh Realm anyone?

  24. gosh Said,

    July 31, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

    Wow, this show really has aged and this episode highlighted that for me. Eugene Tooms was the stuff of nightmares for me 14 years ago but now he’s just a snarly grnarry dork with a funny misshapen butt.
    Looking forward to seeing him again, anyway.

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