There wolf! There, castle.

SHAPES

Episode Summary:
Our agents investigate the shooting death of a Native American man on a ranch near a reservation; it turns out it was a freakin’ werewolf; no one gets laid. Twin Peak’s awesome guy Michael Horse guest stars! Also Scully completely doesn’t get laid, but what else is new.

We see a pictures of a stuffed wolf! And a stuffed owl!

It’s an episode about taxidermy!
Taciturny?
Tax attorneys?

There is spooky lightning! A scruffy old man–

Scruff galore!
Grizzly Adams!
Mark Twain!

–loads a shotgun and exchanges a look with an intense young Clean-shaven Adams. They are at Two Medicine Ranch in Browning, Montana, according to the person who wrote on the screen with a typewriter somehow.

Take two medicine and call me in the morning!

And anyway something that looks an awful lot like a werewolf beats the crap out of the kid and then the old guy shoots it and IT TURNS OUT IT’S A MAN.

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Basically, the whole world revolves around Mulder

Reader Mark Wrede suggests, in a comment, a simple X-Files drinking game:

2 Flavors of Beer; Rules:
- One swallow of one flavor each time Mulder says

Scully

- One swallow of other flavor each time Scully says

Mulder

1.5. Option: Shots: One shot for each shot fired.
2. The Clock: Measure the time the agents spend juggling their badges, flashlights, guns, big phones, evidence baggies, and surgical gloves. Keep a running total per episode, per season, over the whole series.

While I heartily approve of the concept, I do not want to die of alcohol poisoning. Because, here’s the thing: People say our agents’ names a lot.
Especially Mulder’s. Really, it’s just, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, all episode long.
Here, as proof, is a little video I put together the other week. This is one episode. ONE EPISODE.

After two or three episodes you’d be dead.
Dead and buried.
Buried, like in a tomb.
Everybody at your party. You would all be in tombs.

Comments (2)

Benny Hinn, Eat Your Heart Out

Miracle Man

Episode summary
Mulder and Scully investigate possible faith-healing-related murder, discover faith-healer isn’t a murderer, discover faith-healed faith-healer assistant is a murderer, faith-healer gets murdered by sheriff, sheriff’s wife doesn’t get faith-healed, murdering faith-healed faith-healer assistant murders self. Also Fox thinks he sees his sister Samantha like four times and Scully briefly reminds us that she’s Catholic.

1983

Some kid named Samuel lays hands on the crispy corpse of a guy who burnt to death in a fire. The corpse promptly hold the kid’s hand!

When I-I-I / Say to you-ou-ou
Ahhhhh, zombies!
No, no, the power of Christ compels him.

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Comments (5)

E.B.E.

E.B.E.

Episode Summary
Mulder and Scully go chasing after a downed UFO that maybe doesn’t exist except for maybe it does. Or does it? Yes! Possibly. Scully meets the Lone Gunmen, Deepthroat and Mulder have some man time, some hippies throw a party for aliens, and Mulder sneaks into a secret military facility and discovers that OMG THERE REALLY ARE ALIENS, PROBABLY. And we all pretend that calling aliens “Extra-terrestrial Biological Entities” is totally a thing and not pretty silly.

The skies over Iraq

[EDITOR'S NOTE: FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE FOLLOWING JOKE, PLEASE PRETEND THAT IT IS STILL THE BEGINNING OF MAY 2010, WHICH IS WHEN WE FIRST STARTED WRITING THIS EPISODE. THANK YOU.]

You know what it almost is?
What?
Cinco de Mayo.
And that–
THE MEX FILES.

Ha ha guys okay but we have to do an episode now so let’s just–

You know, that reminds me of Mexicorn.
That is not a thing.
Any other day of the year, you’d have a magical horse with a horny protuberance on its forehead.
Holy shit, it actually is a thing, I thought you were–
But on Cinco de Mayo: MEXICORN.

Guys, alright, but the blog–

This is a thing that exists.
They should do an X-Files episode about the Jolly Green Giant.
And Little Sprout.

GUYS! CHRIST!

So. Anyway, there’s a foreign guy in a jet in Iraq who totally sees a UFO. And he flips out and shoots the dang thing down. And then some American soldier dudes check out the crash site, but they’re interrupted by THE TITLE SEQUENCE OMG

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Comments (10)

Salamander Hand over Fist

Young at Heart!

Episode Summary
Man, we watched this a year ago, I don’t really remember. But I guess basically Mulder played it by the book a few years back and got some people killed, by a jerk named Barnett who ended up dying in prison afterward, but! Barnett is back, even though he’s dead, and it’s because of some kind of fountain-of-youth type regeneration shit that happened because of a mad scientist and so now Barnett has a salamander hand! And Mulder kills him at the end in an ironic reversal of the by-the-book stuff. ALSO! Scully gets shot by Barnett except she was wearing a vest so she’s okay. SPOILER ALERT!

Tashmoo Federal Correctional Facility

The year is 1989. The state: Pennsylvania.

That’s the year that Washington State had it’s centennial.
That’s the year that I had my Decennial.
That’s the year your FACE was HITLER.

A man in a wheelchair and a prison jumpsuit hears screaming and wheels his way toward it!

Dude rolls into a surgical lab and asks a doctor guy what he’s doing to Johnny.

Here Comes Johnny One-Hand

And the doctor is all like “nothing!”

Specifically, he’s doing some nothing to where Johnny’s forearm used to be.

And then John “Johnny No-Arm” Barnett blinks at wheelchair guy!

Oh he’s dead. And yet he’s not dead. And you know what that means.
Zombies!
[glee]

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Comments (16)

Lazarus? You brought ‘us to the party!

Lazarus

Episode Summary
Scully’s fellow agent and old flame Jack Willis gets shot and killed (or does he?!) by a bank robber named Dupre who has a spooky tattoo and a nutty girlfriend named Lula. Jack gets possessed by Dupre, Scully gets handcuffed to a radiator, insulin gets wasted: it’s all very titillating. Also, Mulder remembers his ninth grade math.

Bankman and Robbin’

Scully and some guy named Agent Willis are in a bank that’s about to close… waiting nervously for someone!

Meanwhile, two bank robbers in a car outside–

This is probably unrelated.

–talk about luck and call each other “Baby” a lot and franticly make out a little bit, giving us a peek at the dude robber’s forearm tattoo:

This is a tattoo that says “confidence”.
It looks like a pineapple and a fire-breathing snake.
I think it’s a genie coming out of a bottle near a green atom bomb.
Whatever it is, everybody knows he’s like an awesome rockstar because he has a tattoo.

And then the hockey mask and the shotgun and the shouting and the hey hey hey, and the robber shoots Agent Willis and Scully shoots the robber.

And crappy post-production slomo! What is this, the first season of a early-90′s FOX production?

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Comments (29)

Sorry we’re slow; look at some cats!

Hi! Josh here. We’re not dead, we’re just deeply, deeply distracted by other things, two of those things being Freyja and Frigg, our new kittens. (They are both girls, so “Mulder” & “Scully” was right out. But I’m sure Fox could come up with some way to tie Norse mythology into his theory about a case, to which Scully would be all like

Mulder, those are just myths, stories people told one another as a sort of shared cultural metacommentary on—

but then Mulder would interrupt her and be all

What if they aren’t just myths, though, Scully? What if Odin was, not a “god” fabricated by bored vikings, but a man, imbued through some accident of nature or paraphenomenon with the ability to command electricity itself?

and then Scully would all raise her eyebrow and shit but it’d turn out at the end of the episode that that’s exactly what was going on more or less, because Mulder always gets away with that kind of thing. Plus the blond electrified guest star would go by “Dino” and Scully would be playing with some scrabble tiles and figure out the anagram and have a moment of doubt.)

But anyway, we’ve got an episode coming up soon, I promise.

In the mean time, you should soothe the MBA-withdrawal by checking out this new site I built a couple weeks ago, called Look At This Cat. It’s a place where there are cats and you can look at them, and it’s another big part of why I’ve been distracted.

Comments (21)

i made you a gender but i bended it

Gender Bender

Episode summary:
Mulder and Scully investigate a suspicious death, leading them into rural Massachusetts and a pre-technology collective that calls itself The Kindred and is totally not the Amish, we swear. Sex-change, resurrection, and hot sexy pheremonal hijinks ensue, and Mulder gets kicked in the face.

Out Clubbin’

We see an eyeball!

And then a disco ball!

And then an eyeball! Again! It’s madness!

And then a whole bunch of party people!

Brought to you by Axe Body Spray
Is it bad to make Buffy references?
Oh, because this is–
–completely The Bronze.

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Comments (19)

Happy New Year, Agents

Here comes 2009, and (not to get all resolution-y or anything) hopefully more steady biweekly updates to the site.

Thanks for reading, and may the whammy be with you.

Comments (9)

Ho Ho Holy Shit It’s My Dad’s Ghost

1×12 Beyond the sea

Episode summary:
Scully’s dad dies; a serial killer nabs some kids; Brad Dourif overacts in exactly the way we love to see him overact; Scully has visions of dead dad; Mulder gets shot pretty good; and you end up with the song “Beyond the Sea” stuck in your head for about five million years.

Chez Dana

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MULDER’S BIG ADVENTURE

It’s Major Garland Briggs! What’s he doing in Scully’s house?

I think Scully lives in Twin Peaks. Maybe she’s related to that crazy lady with the eyepatch and the draperies.
Good sailin’ Ahab.
Ah. This is the prequel to Moby Dick.
Night, Daddy.
Oh.

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